Since a summer vacation is out of the question, I thought I’d try a new concept: Life Swap. You get to be Me, and I get to be you. It’s a limited time offer, though I’m sorry to say you won’t get a free gift* if you call now.
Here’s what you’d get:
- Bijou residence in East Oakhampton. Conveniently located near the BART station of death, Highland Hospital (last stop for most local gunshot victims), and popular homicide locale International Boulevard.
- Three gas stations within one block. Only $40 to fill up a Ford Taurus at any given one of them! You can also buy milk there if you are so inclined.
- Walking (or staggering) distance to the liquor store and cracketeria.
- Friendly locals who come right up to your house and take that unwanted recycling or trash right out of your bins!
- Other friendly locals who try to convert you to their extremely unusual religions.
- Front row seat to minor crimes and misdemeanors, such as neighbors dousing themselves with gasoline and others burning stolen cars.
- Convenient freeway underpass where old sofas and other refuse that doesn’t fit in the bins can be easily dumped.
- None of that horrible, un-green air conditioning. “Awesome” cross breeze according to landlord, though so far, it seems as likely to appear as the Loch Ness Monster.
- The world’s cutest and naughtiest kittens. Adorable and challenging! Also slightly grumpy, stray-ish outdoor cat who might possibly tolerate your presence as long as you bring him food and water once a day. Occasional treats are welcomed by all.
- Unlimited trips to the library and the Safeway.
- All the barking dogs your heart could ever desire.
*Because, you know, you usually have to pay for gifts. That’s why they call them “gifts”.