Suzy Says

Today: Caf&eacute Suz&eacute Perv&eacute (this is when I have leftover coffee and reheat it the next day, to my sister’s utter horror. But the coffee, like me, has, if anything, gained in strength overnight and is really perfectly good. Now I just don’t tell my sis about my secret vice so she can continue to adore me, because I really need it and it gives her something to do when she’s not driving an ambulance or saving lives) and a handful of Cap’n Crunch, straight out of the box. No milk, because I consider that to be a particularly noxious hazard waste product. The horrifying taste! The horrifying slime it leaves on the tongues of those foolish or unwitting enough to consume it….

~faint!~

~blink!~

Where was I? Oh, yes. Cap’n Crunch, on the other hand, is as delightful as I recall it from the last time I had it, many years ago. Still crunchy (as the name suggests), to the point of exfoliating the roof of your mouth, just as it did in days of old, and still sweet. Perfect.

This is a rarity in my experience. Many things I remember as being delightful when I was a child are not at all when I try them again as a faux adult (I mean, really: a girl of 20-22 eating cereal from the box is hardly an actual, responsible adult). Maybe the products have changed, or my taste has veered from the childlike to the edge of sophistication. Of course, when you’re a kid, you can and do eat Easter candy, including the truly frightening friandise known as marshmallow Peeps, first thing in the morning.

So, in answer to fabulous Michelle’s question: I think Healthy Suzy has left the building, possibly as thoroughly as Elvis. You may hear of alleged HS sightings (Nibbling wheat germ at a sidewalk caf&eacute in Paris! Racing a camel in Cairo! Climbing the Great Wall of China! Actually at the gym!), but I urge you to take these, like Elvis sightings, with a grain of salt, preferably fleur de sel. Now, if you hear that Elvis and Healthy Suzy have been seen together somewhere, with HS explaining to Elvis why fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches are not in fact a good idea, with visual aids such as enormous, tent-like sequined jumpsuits, throw away the salt (over your left shoulder, just in case) and BELIEVE.

I was awakened yesterday morning by the shrill voices of teenagers and the exasperated, English-accented voice of their teacher (“No more disparaging remarks!”). They were standing outside discussing architecture and history. It’s truly astonishing how loud a bunch of kids can be. What’s the correct term? Flock? Gaggle? Herd? I’m thinking gaggle is the most appropriate. Note to self: Never be outnumbered 30 to 1. Them’s unwinnable odds, my friends.

After that surreal start to the day, I had:

One cup atomic SuzyStrength coffee (non-Suzys who have dared to drink this dark, passionate brew – including my mother – claim that drinking it will almost certainly remove tooth enamel. They have recommended alternative methods of consumption that are less dentally dangerous, such as intravenous, but you know how I love living on the edge. Also, I have been drinking caf&eacute Suz&eacute for 25 years and I still have all my teeth, unlike my mother);

One watermelon flavored Jolly Rancher;

One blue raspberry flavored Jolly Rancher (this was news to me, and happy news, too, since everyone knows that blue raspberry is the best flavor, whether in SweeTarts or Slush Puppies or Freezies, despite the fact that, to my vast and worldly knowledge of the fruit world, blue raspberries do not exist in nature. Red ones, yes, and white ones, yes, but the blue ones are entirely artificial as well as making the raspberry species patriotic by adding the blue to the red, white, and blue. Also artificial is almost always preferable to the horrors of nature, with the notable exception of boobage);

One Popsicle Xtreme Sour (everything is extreme, or as it might be, Xtreme these days, from sports to antiperspirant. I’ve been Xtreme for more than four decades, so I feel like a trendsetter) in raspberry, and yes, blue raspberry. Is there a theme here? Write an essay in 100 words or less comparing and contrasting and email it to me. Your marks will be posted when I get around to it.

One dark chocolate delight filled with sea salted caramel. Sounds disgusting, but is one of the most delicious things I have ever tasted. Good thing the dealer of these wicked delectables is on the other side of town, or I would have a bad addiction and an even bigger butt than I do already.

Looking at this list, I think I belong in the gaggle of kids rather than with the responsible adults. But you knew that.

Found still lifes on the streets of San Francisco:

A bus boy’s cry for help? A server’s prank? Or art? You decide.