Archive for October, 2005

Oct 29 2005

Paint It Black

Published by under Dogs,Rita,Uncategorized

Paint It Black

Today I followed the Rolling Stones’ advice and painted my front door black (though I probably wouldn’t take their advice on anything else, especially dating and cosmetic surgery). It’s all shiny and looks great. Now, if I could just find a way to haul home the two cement lions discarded outside a defunct night club down the street, I’d be all set.

Somehow painting your door black seems so Halloween. I also have a plastic light-up pumpkin in my window, but I doubt if I’ll get any trick-or-treaters, since I’m a little off the beaten track. The building was originally a coffin factory (and how Halloween is that?) in the 19th century. It was built onto as needed, so it’s full of strange passages (some underground) and weirdly-shaped rooms. Some of it is used as businesses, but most are live-work lofts, though officially, no-one lives here.

The part I live in is the former woodworking shop, and is attached to the big building, but has its own front door. Everyone else has to share. And to get to my shiny black door, you have to go through a semi-creepy brick, pigeon-infested passageway and then there’s the courtyard and Chez Suzy.

This can be a little annoying when having necessities of life like booze and groceries delivered, since I almost inevitably get a semi-irate delivery guy on his cell phone, saying, “I’m right outside, where are you?” and I have to direct him in. Nothing like a guy frustrated from making his delivery, is there?

In other building news, Boob Girl has been thrown out of her roommate’s apartment, but is still living somewhere in the building. Rumor has it that it’s a windowless room which used to be an office. Charlie has stopped answering his door at night.

Phil, the owner of Rita the Wonder Dog, has a new ladylove, which is good for me, since I get to keep Rita when he’s away at his girlfriend’s overnight. And you know how love is, especially in the first throes. So I get companionship, too, and I have to get my voluptuous butt out to the park twice a day to walk the dog, so that’s good, too.

However, I don’t think I’ll ever get used to picking up poop. I’m just not scatologically inclined. I laughed so hard when I read this on PostSecret. I wonder if I could teach an old dog that new trick?

4 responses so far

Oct 19 2005

Wild, Wild Life

Published by under Uncategorized

Wild, Wild Life

Bigger is not always better. For example, thighs. Or butts. Or To Do Lists. Or obstacles.

Or vermin.

The home invaders have gotten bigger and badder recently. In the past week, I have been visited by a squirrel and a pigeon (on different occasions, but both uninvited). It’s my own fault for leaving the front door open, but that doesn’t seem to matter all that much when you have a pigeon flapping around overhead or a squirrel scrabbling in your kitchen.

I’m sorry to say that I was unequal to the Nature challenge (as usual). Being the Hysterical Female Poster Child, I fled the premises and grabbed the nearest boy. Fortunately, the building is well-equipped with boys, available to deal with sudden emergencies of the plumbing and wildlife kind. Here are the lessons I learned:

1. What a broom is for. It’s for removing pigeons. Broom in hand, brushy side up, you wave it around over your head, and sweep the pigeon out of the door. Any fallen feathers can be removed by the cleaning crew, who probably already know how to use a broom.

2. In the case of squirrels, the approved method is to block all methods of egress (as PT Barnum would say) other than the door. Make a loud noise to flush squirrel out of hiding. Chase it out the door.

Alternate method: Get Rita the Wonder Dog to chase it out for you. This is one of her specialties.

3. Boys: they’re not just for opening jars!

4. Mr. Mouse is not as scary as previously thought. Of course, I haven’t seen him in about a year, and supposedly absence makes the heart grow fonder*, so this opinion is subject to change. After all, it’s a woman’s prerogative to change her mind.

5. Don’t leave the front door open.

Well, this young lady has learned her lesson.

*And they also say, “Out of sight, out of mind”, but which one is it? I mean, you can’t have it both ways.

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Oct 17 2005

Published by under Uncategorized

More Songs About Buildings and Boobs

My friend and neighbor Charlie, who lives across the courtyard (and, more importantly, brought me the fabboo Venetian presents this summer) heard someone knocking at his door ’round midnight.

He opened it to reveal a woman he had never seen before, holding two cigarettes. She offered him one in return for using his computer, but alas, smoking is not one of his vices. Her alternate suggestion? “Want to see my boobs?” His civilized response: “That won’t be necessary.*”

It turned out that she is an (allegedly) former stripper that a girl in the building took on as a roommate out of desperation. Her boyfriend left her suddenly and she needed help with the rent. A couple of days ago, I saw (and heard) the two of them arguing in the courtyard, the roommate telling Boob Girl that she never wanted to come home and find homeless people in her livingroom ever again. This seemed to be quite a reasonable request to me, though not to BG, who expressed her opinion so loudly that someone thought police intervention was necessary. It probably was. Homeless person was ejected, and I haven’t seen BG since. This roommate thing seems to be somewhat problematic.

On the (thankfully) less wild side, Jeff, who also lives in the building, just got a new roommate. He already lives with his brother Aaron, and the new roommate’s name is, you guessed it, Aaron, which is so delightfully Newhart. “Hi, I’m Jeff, this is my roommate Aaron, and this is my other roommate Aaron.”

*This reminded me of when Dad and I were walking through the Tenderloin, favored hangout of hookers, and he was propositioned. He very politely said, “No, thank you very much” in his cultivated English voice, which made me laugh. He said, “There’s no point in being rude about it,” and walked on.

3 responses so far

Oct 12 2005

Suzy’s Top Five Reasons For Not Blogging

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Suzy’s Top Five Reasons For Not Blogging:

1. Mom’s death hit me harder than I thought it would. In addition to working through the grief, I’m also working through the regret and guilt of not being a better daughter to her.

2. I’m selling my apartment. Any takers? I’d love it, since….

3. I’m broke and have the overdraft to prove it. I now understand how those English aristocrats can live in a castle, but not have enough money to pay the milkman. That’s how it is when all your money is tied up in real estate and not cash. And have failed to achieve idle wealth (the best kind).

4. The happy pills from the doctor aren’t making me happy. It’s an expensive, yet unenjoyable drug habit (the worst kind).

5. All this is making me suspect that the premise of the delightful comedy My Name Is Earl is correct, and all the bad things keep happening to me because of all the bad things I’ve done. If I followed his example, my list would take the rest of my life – and that’s just the stuff I remember.

Now I’m really scared.

9 responses so far