Archive for November, 2005

Nov 22 2005

One Hour Nowhere

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The phone rang at the ungodly (well, un-Suzy) hour of 8:00 this morning. It was my doctor’s secretary, asking if I could come in this afternoon. Caught unguarded and uncaffeinated, I agreed. Later, considering the fact that I have to take two buses to get there (that’s two too many) and that I was overwhelmed by slothfulness (one of my personal favorite sins), I regretted this, but reflected that the dr. visit might result in a reduced dosage of happy pills, which should also result in a reduced size of Suzy. One of the side effects of the expensive, yet unamusing, happy pills is that one goes from Ab Fab to Ab Flab.

So I grumpily went to the bus stop an hour before the appointment, and as in Casablanca, I waited. And waited. And waited….

Finally, the long-awaited bus appeared. I got on, all unsuspecting, and suddenly, it took a detour. By the time I realized that it was not, in fact, going where I wanted to go, there were 15 minutes left before my appointment. No way I could make it. I got off the bus, called the dr.’s office, and got their voicemail, which breezily informed me that they were at lunch and – get this – they do not check messages left during their 1 &1/2 hour lunch break (despite the fact that my appointment was scheduled during that time). I left a detailed and annoyed message, and then spent almost the same amount of time I had spent waiting for the bus trying to get a taxi. There was no way I was dealing with any more public transit that day. I had waited and smelled enough, thank you.

By the time I got one, I was homicidal. When I got home, the phone was ringing. It was, you guessed it, my over-lunched dr.’s receptionist asking where I was. I explained everything yet again and told her I had left a message, but she said she hadn’t gotten it. Not checking your messages will do that, dontcha think? And why have voicemail at all, if you’re not going to check it? And PS to the public transit people, who are no doubt snickering evilly about the success of their practical joke, you might want to consider posting signs warning innocent patrons that the route has changed, and what it has changed to. Just a thought.

Martini o’clock is going to be a little early today.

5 responses so far

Nov 17 2005

Special Olympics

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I know they say hearing about other people’s dreams is really boring – and while I may be many things, I hope boring isn’t one of them – but I promise to keep it brief. Also Kirstie Alley wasn’t in this one.

I dreamed that I called a company to complain about something, only to be informed that they had closed their complaints department. No further complaints would be taken. I was furious, because complaining is one of the few things I do well. And often. If there were a Complaints competition in the Olympics, I’d get a gold medal. They could give you a topic, and the one who complains the longest and most entertainingly wins.

I don’t know why there isn’t, come to think of it. Practically everything else is an Olympic sport these days. Synchronized Knitting, with players all knitting and purling at the same time with the precision of the Rockettes. Points will be dropped for dropped stitches. Relay Speed Coloring, where one player feverishly fills in as much as s/he can before passing the crayon to the next player. The first one to fill in the entire coloring book without going out of the lines wins. False Eyelash Application, individual and whole strips. There will be mandatory eyelash extension testing, and anyone who fails will be condemned to using mascara only for an entire year.

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Nov 14 2005

Now Taking Requests

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As requested by La Candina:

1. What time did you get up this morning??8:30 am (and I had to set the alarm!)

2. Diamonds or pearls? Do you even have to *ask*? Gotta go for the sparkle, every time.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Capote. It was brilliant.
4. What is your favorite TV show? Glimore Girls, Everwood.

5. What did you have for breakfast? Pink grapefruit & black coffee.

6. What is your middle name? Jean (ugh – so unglamorous)

7. What is your favorite cuisine? Italian or French.

8. What foods do you dislike? Tofu. Anything soy-related, actually. Most dairy (milk; yogurt; sour cream, etc.) other than cheese. Oysters, caviar (why won’t anyone admit it’s fishy Jell-O?), smoked salmon, tuna, sushi. I don’t eat beef or pork. Maybe I should have listed the foods I do like instead!

9. What is your favorite potato chip flavor? I don’t really eat them. I do like Lundberg’s rice chips, though. Sesame-seaweed’s my favorite.

10. What is your favorite CD at the moment?? Blackalicious, The Craft, Janis Joplin, Pearl

11. What kind of car do you drive? I don’t have one at the moment, though I used to own a silver-blue 1966 Mustang convertible. My first and only car.

12. Favorite sandwich?? Chicken Caesar wrap.

13. What characteristics do you despise? Ignorance, cruelty, piety, intolerance.

14. What are your favorite clothes? My lavender suede Manolo Blahniks.

15, If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where WOULDN’T you go? Most of Asia, other than Thailand.

16. What color are your eyes? Green.

17. Favorite brand of clothing? In real life, I seem to wear a lot of Gap and J Jill. If money were no object, Prada.

18. Where would you want to retire to? Like I’ll be able to!

19. Favorite time of day? Twilight.

20. Where were you born? Syracuse, New York. Other than that, it has no redeeming qualities.

21. Favorite sport to watch? Sporty Suzy is teetering on the edge of extinction.

22. Coke or Pepsi? Champagne – if you’re going to drink calories, you might as well get a buzz. Or Perrier, despite the opinion of a well-known socialite who said, “I never drink water. Fish fuck in it.”

23. Are you a morning person or night owl? I’m a reformed morning person. So I’m a dedicated night owl now.

24. Any new and exciting news you?d like to share with everyone? New news? Isn’t that redundant?

25. What did you want to be when you were little? Idle rich. Still hopin’.

26. What are the different jobs you have had in your life? Au pair on the French Riviera; all-purpose worker (checking people in and out, making breakfast for hundreds, giving tours) at a youth hostel that was formerly a 150 year old jail; about a thousand temp secretarial jobs (commitment phobic); investment analyst, wife.

27. Nicknames: What is your nickname? Suz, Suzy (my family also likes to call me things that rhyme, like Floozy, Boozy, etc. and always laugh when I answer).

28. Piercings? Both earlobes, the cartilage of my right ear. A friend pierced my cartilage in 1984, so I feel well ahead of the trend on that one.

29. Ever been to Africa? No.

30. Ever been toilet papering? No.

31. Been in a car accident? Once, when I was about 9 years old. No serious damage. I wasn’t driving.

32. Favorite day of the week? They’re all the same to me.

33. Favorite restaurant? Swan Oyster Depot.

34. Favorite flower? Lilacs, sweet peas, lilies of the valley.

35. Favorite ice cream? Double Rainbow White Pistachio.

36. Favorite fast food restaurant? Those roadside stands in New England where you can get fried clams and lobster rolls.

37. How many times did you fail your driver?s test?? None, even though I hate to drive.

38. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail? Sadly, my boss, if you don’t count junk mail.

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Do I have to pick just one?

40. Bedtime? When I’m sleepy.

41. Last person you went to dinner with? My fab friend Kelly.

42. What are you listening to right now? The whoosh of traffic and my life zipping by.

43. What is your favorite color? Pink.

44. How many tattoos do you have? None. Makes me feel all distinctive. Am convinced that there will soon be a porn fetish for girls with unmarked and unpierced bodies, since tattoos and piercings are so commonplace.

5 responses so far

Nov 11 2005

Field of Dreams?

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Awright, sports fans (and you know who you are). The neophyte and knowledge-less Sporty Suzy (who has no stats at her manicured fingertips and nothing in her brain cell that isn’t frivolous, shallow, and non-athletic) needs your help.

How and why does one keep supporting one’s home team?

  1. The players rarely, if ever, actually come from the city whose team they play for, so it’s not like they personally embody the spirit of the place.
  2. While they do get paid a lot of money, they are more or less helpless pawns who may be traded at any moment. Despite this sword of Damocles hanging over their heads, they have to be team players in the most literal sense, all working toward the same goal (no pun intended). If they do get traded, they have to start all over again with people they don’t know, or possibly with former enemies.
  3. Your favorite players get traded and you don’t get to see them play anymore. Do you switch loyalty to the team they play on, or keep watching the old team with the new people you don’t care about?
  4. Do you have to overlook things like Barry Bonds’ deplorably diva-like behavior, both on and off the field (I find the way he treats the women in his life more deplorable than the steroid accusations)? Do you have to overlook the fact that the Giants didn’t can his overbearing ass, but they did dump several players so late in the season that it was almost impossible for them to get picked up by other teams? I admit this rankled with me the most in the case of Marquis Grissom, my favorite Giant, who was a total gentleman about the whole thing. He was the Anti-Bonds. I really miss him.
  5. The whole embarrassing NHL d&eacuteb&acirccle. I can’t believe they were all so damned childish that there was no hockey for a year, and when it came back, the schedule was stupid, the rules had changed, and with the salary cap, some of the best players became instantly unaffordable. The Maple Leafs, for example, were dropping like, well, leaves (why are they the Leafs and not the Leaves, anyway? Anyone? Anyone?), losing stellar players like Brian Leetch, Gary Roberts, and Joe Nieuwendyk faster than you can say Don Cherry.

    Leaf it to a bunch of men to mess things up. I wonder if sports would be different if we girls ran the show. I bet the uniforms would be cuter.

4 responses so far

Nov 09 2005

Kirstie Alley Is My Dream Girl

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Last night, I dreamed that Kirstie Alley and I were in a public restroom somewhere (no, not like the infamous cheerleaders – sorry if you were hopin’ for some hot hot voluptuous girl-on-girl action, guys). She was earnestly trying to convince me that I had thrown something in the sink. I maintained my innocence, claiming that it was, in fact, pink confetti*.

I was distracted from the argument by the fact that I was unable to open the clasp of my adorable new pink handbag. I kept fiddling with it, to Kirstie’s great annoyance, until she finally grabbed it and opened it for me, dumping it back on my lap with disgust. I, on the other hand, was perfectly happy and starting rummaging through the contents: lip gloss! A sparkly hair ornament! Oooh, money!

I still say it was confetti. And I didn’t even get any diet tips.

*This reminded me of when I visited the Motown Historical Museum and found a single red sequin on the floor of the ladies’ room, as if one of the ladies from that glamorous era of music had just swept out the door in a fabulous gown.

3 responses so far

Nov 07 2005

Number One with a Bullet

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Ever wondered what to do with those pesky wedding rings, promise rings, and other sentimental jewelry which are no longer sentimental? Assuming, of course, that you refrained from throwing them back at the giver (though I believe tradition dictates that the one who gets left gets to keep the jewelry, as a sort of consolation prize: “And thank you for playing our game!”).

Worry no longer. The good folks at Goddammo will help you out. For a nominal fee, they will transform your unwanted rings’n’things into something much more useful: a bullet. Keep in mind: they don’t include gunpowder, and platinum costs $5 extra.

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