Archive for the 'Florida' Category

May 02 2008

Speed & Demons

Published by under Florida,Henry

I went outside this morning to leave offerings for Grey Cat, and was astonished to see a hearse speeding down my street, its tires squealing as it went around the corner. A speeding hearse is a strange sight indeed.

About a week ago, I started leaving food and water under the porch for Grey Cat, a handsome stray who often suns himself on my garage roof. It occurred to me that he might be having a hard time finding water now that the winter rains are over and we might have to start rationing soon. And if I’m leaving water, why not food?

I wasn’t sure if he was the one emptying out the bowls, but this morning, I saw his tail slipping under the porch, and the kittens watched carefully. Eventually, he emerged and had a bath, which made me happy. I hope that eventually I can get close enough to pet him and maybe even get him to the vet for a check-up and spay/neuter. He can be my outside cat. I should think of a better name than Grey Cat, though.

I should also get packing for this Florida thing. I’m hoping to get by with carry-on, since I get to Tampa at 9 pm and then have an hour’s drive to the resort where the conference is being held. Apparently they are going to send a car for me, which is the most exciting part of the trip so far. I’ve always wanted to be one of those people who are met at the airport by a chauffeur holding a sign. I can pretend to be a movie star!

Yesterday, I printed out the agenda, and it is disturbingly full of cocktails and assorted social events. As you all know by now, I am by no means cocktail-averse, but I have never liked drinking with coworkers. I don’t know what’s worse: seeing your boss tipsy, or having him/her experience your alcohol (in)tolerance. At my old job, there was a guy who got so tanked at our yearly conference that he peed in the bar manager’s office, mistaking it for the bathroom. More than a decade later, I still remember this event, and I’m not the only one, since it came up every year at annual conference time.

So I think I’ll stick to soda water and avoid disgracing myself any further than I already will by not being an actual grown-up. If anyone asks me about it, I’ll get all tragic and murmur “rehab” and “recovery” and see how embarrassed they get.

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Mar 29 2005

Florida by the Numbers

Published by under Florida

Farewell, Florida!

Number of palmetto bugs seen: 6

Number of palmetto bugs squashed: 6

Gross-out factor: On a scale of one to ten (10 being CSI close-ups), about 100.

Number of geckos seen: About a dozen.

Number of geckos scared: See above.

Number of armadillos seen: 2 (they are superbly uninterested in humans)

Number of ospreys seen: 2. One was five feet away. Eating a fish. With an armadillo attitude.

Spring training baseball games attended: Only two! Both starring the Blue Jays. Score: 0 for the Jays.

Spring training baseball practice sessions attended: 4

Kisses and autographs from ballplayers: 0

Sunburns: 0!! A personal best!

Days when it wasn’t about a million degrees: 0. Even when it was raining.

Days when Suzy didn’t complain about the heat and/or humidity: 0. (“It’s not the heat, it’s the complaining about the heat.”)

Number of states driven through en route: 5. Or maybe 6?

Number of miles driven: Do numbers go that high?

Number of meals not featuring fat: 0

Pounds gained: Ignorance is bliss.

Butt size: Southern fried, my friend.

Southern delicacies not consumed by Suzy: Grouper (due to moratorium); boiled “p.nuts”; alligator (I promised Kelly I wouldn’t); sweet potatoes with marshmallows on top; anything on a stick; deep-fried desserts.

Southern delicacies consumed by Suzy: Key lime pie; coconut shrimp; freshly squeezed grapefruit juice; grits (grits are gross, especially at the Waffle House, or, as those in the know call it, the Awful House).

4 responses so far

Mar 15 2005

Accidental

Published by under Calamity Suzy,Florida

Calamity Suzy Rides Again…

…or not, as the case may be.

I’ve taken the accident-prone talent to a whole new level. Now I don’t even have to be awake. Yesterday, I actually woke up with a scratch on my face from an errant feather in my pillow. I’m beginning to think the birds heard that I was considering getting rid of them and acted first. While examining the scratch in the bathroom mirror, to the triumphant cawing and shrieking of the flock of conspirators outside, I discovered a whole flock of zits inside. They are a less than charming counterpoint to the scratch. Now I look almost as immature as I am.

While talking on the phone and stepping outside, managed to hit my still-wounded knee against the aluminum doorframe, re-wounding it. Note to self: don’t talk while walking. Or walk while talking.

Not that driving is much better, in my case. Faithful readers may recall my automobile adventures just three months ago. Apparently, I learned nothing from that episode, since I managed to lock my keys in the car yet again.

Bad news: As usual, I did not have my cell phone, because I was using a very tiny, but very cute handbag (patterned with Marilyn Monroe magazine covers) that could barely hold my wallet.

Good news: There was a payphone! So I called the towing company.

Bad news: “That’ll be an hour, ma’am”. Also, $60 worth of stupid.

Good news: I was at Walgreens, so I bought a bunch of trashy tabloids and caught up on my Bradifer, Charles’n’Camilla, and Wacko Jacko news. They even had a bench outside. And unlike the last time I locked my keys in the car, it was 70&deg outside.

Bad news: It took an hour and a half for Rescue Guy to appear, pleading traffic.

It took him about two seconds to get the car door open. It just goes to show how quickly someone could steal your car. He wisely wouldn’t leave until I had actually started the car, and when I thanked him, he said, “That’s all right, sweetheart.” I love how everyone calls you “sweetheart” and “hon” here.

Good thing I’m flying home.

One response so far

Mar 13 2005

Southern Shoppin’

Published by under Florida

I love the names of the grocery stores in Florida. My total favorite is Piggly Wiggly, followed by Winn-Dixie (fun fact: the word “dixie” comes from an American mispronunciation of the French word for ten (dix) printed on ten dollar bills in New Orleans in the 19th century) and the Kash n’ Karry. Why replace C’s with K’s? You could spell it correctly and still get the alliteration. And I won’t even get into the punctuation.

At the local K n’ K:

PopTarts and Gatorade are food categories. I had never seen grape PopTarts before. Or chocolate chip cookie dough PopTarts. Fun fact: there are 32 flavors!

There’s a whole section devoted to frying mixes, for “blooming onions” (I think I saw those at the State Fair), for fish, chicken, etc. (anything that can be put on a stick can also be fried), and a great selection of hush puppy* mixes.

When they water the produce, they play “Singing in the Rain.”

You can get pretty much any kind of grits you want.

Top it all off with Cool Whip!

*For such a ubiquitous foodstuff, the origins of hush puppies are uncertain, and in some circles, hotly debated. According to The Encyclopedia of American Food & Drink:

“The term appears in print for the the first time about 1915. Although unconfirmed, the common assumption regarding the hush puppy’s origin is that it dates from the period of scarcity following the Civil War, when cooks would toss scraps of corn batter to hungry dogs with the words “Hush Puppies!” But the Morris Dictionary of Word and Phrase Origins cites a Southern reader’s account that in the South the aquatic reptile called the salamander was often known as a “water dog” or “water puppy”…These were deep-fried with cornmeal dough and formed into sticks, and, so the account goes, they were called “hush puppies” because eating such lowly food was not something a southern wife would want known to her neighbors.”

In case you were wondering, the “puppies” in question in the second explanation are children. Don’t go telling your friends what you had for dinner!

6 responses so far

Feb 25 2005

No sun, no fun

Published by under Florida

The sun is not sunny in the Sunshine State. It must have gone to Hawaii or Tahiti or something on vacation. In its absence, it is:

– Still hot (it was 70&deg at 10:00 last night. That’s just wrong);

– Still muggy (lost a night’s much-needed beauty sleep due to sweating miserably under just a sheet, too hot and cranky to sleep);

– Raining so hard that I couldn’t hear myself think, assuming I was actually capable of thinking;

– On the second thunderstorm of the day.

I think I’m beginning to rot.

The truth is that I’m afraid of thunderstorms, and the thunder that accompanied these two was positively apocalyptic. I think the house shook more than any earthquake I ever experienced back in California. On the bright side, it has banished the elderly neighbors back into their dens, so I’m spared hearing them holler to each other in their backyards. I’m beginning to suspect that all the glama in Florida is on the other coast. This one – or at least, the part of it I’m staying in – seems to be almost entirely composed of the aged or aging*, which is unnerving, given my fear of death and getting old. It’s like death’s waiting room around here. If I wake up with blue poodle hair one day, I’m cutting to the head of the line.

*Other than religious fanatics, trailer trash, rednecks, and Republicans, that is. These can be combined in nearly limitless variations for added fun.

4 responses so far

Feb 18 2005

Calamity Suzy

Published by under Calamity Suzy,Florida

It’s Calamity Suzy!!

Yesterday I:

– Fell and scraped both knees, which are now even less fit for public viewing than usual, being red and puffy. I hasten to add that this was sun-related and not alcohol related: I was blinded by the sun and tripped on a huge crack in the driveway.

I did this in front of the two cable guys, who were unlucky enough to be sent to fix the cable. They ended up being here for more than three hours and had to replace pretty much everything. They couldn’t really laugh at me, though, because they were calamity cable guys, one cutting his head on an open window and the other cutting his hand along with the new cable.

– Tore side of dress in the process of falling on the driveway, revealing pale pink satin bra to an unsuspecting public. Failed to realize this until after the cable guys had gone and I had talked to the mailman and a couple of my friend Paul’s neighbors. Belated blushes.

– Hit head getting out of car.

– Melted into tears in front of Paul. Very, very embarrassing.

– Burned my hand on the pot lid while making dinner. Note to self: don’t pick up metal handled lids from boiling pots with bare hands. Really not a good idea.

– Cut the other hand while cutting a lemon.

At this rate, I’m going to need the services of Rico from Six Feet Under while I’m still alive in order to remain at all presentable.

4 responses so far

Feb 05 2005

Road Trip to Florida

Published by under Florida

You may be wondering why it took me so long to get to Florida. Traumatized by recent airport experiences, it seemed like a good idea at the time to drive down, since I was on the east coast anyway.

Big, as the Governator would say, mistake.

I hadn’t taken into account the incredible boredom, lack of radio stations playing anything other than country, religious programming, or talk radio; the insane traffic (special mentions: Cincinnati, the total worst, followed by Atlanta); or the mysterious fact that the weather would be sunny in the northern states and rainy in the south. I also discovered a whole new talent: getting lost, including twice in one day.

My Road Trip
By Suzy

Buffalo, NY: The little I saw of it had splendid Victorian houses, some of them bordering on mansions, in perfect condition and with beautiful paint jobs. They rivalled those in San Francisco. Have no idea why we don’t hear about the Buffalo Victorians. There are also some old fashioned slate sidewalks like those in my grandparents’ town near Rochester, New York, so I got a little dose of nostalgia, too.

Mars, Pennsylvania:: There is no life on Mars. Slept at the Motel Six and ate at Denny’s. Seriously. Beginning of the grease theme of the trip.

Ohio: The “O” is for Oh.My.God. It’s not the tiny, wedge-shaped state it appears to be. It’s the secretly huge state no-one tells you about. I spent almost a whole day driving through it. And half a lifetime in traffic on the road that bypasses Cincinnati, going 5 mph.

West Virginia:: Whipped through it in no time. Smaller than you’d think.

Nowhereville, Kentucky: Pizza Hut (first time in my life), and a Hampton Inn, which seemed much classier than the Motel 6 until I discovered that it’s owned by the Hiltons, which means that I personally have subsidized Paris Hilton’s embarrassing fashion choices. At least I haven’t subsidized her embarrassing choice in men. I picked Pizza Hut after fleeing in horror from the buffet restaurant, which was like Deliverance with children. Also, buffet. If I’m in a restaurant, I want them to bring me the food. Is that too much to ask? I didn’t entirely escape the buffet, though, because PH had a salad bar, which is a thinly disguised buffet.

However, it seemed refreshingly healthy after all the road food. I’ve driven through 5 states now, and it’s all Wendy’s, McDonald’s, and Burger King – the unholy trinity. This being the South, though, the unholiness was offset by a barn with a giant red hand-painted JESUS on it, and billboards that said:

If you died today (fun thought when you’re going 80 on the interstate), where would you spend Eternity?

Followed by:

Hell is Real.

No positive suggestions, like “Heaven is Real”, or anything like that.

On the other hand, they have a point, because driving on the interstate (or anywhere else) is Hell, and it’s all too Real.

Discovered that Richmond, KY is dry on one side, and wet on the other, meaning you can only buy booze – a total necessity at this point – on the bad side of town. Also that the stores stock an astonishing variety of chewing tobacco.

Oh, and Elvis was right about the cold Kentucky rain.

Nowhereville, Tennessee: At a gas station, I had to make the attendant tell me the price 3 times because he had so few teeth I couldn’t understand him. However, gas station had theme shot glasses, with slogans like, “Don’t Mess With Dixie” and “American By Birth, Southern By the Grace of God”, and sold 190 proof liquor to go with them.

Stopped at Subway, desperate for non-greasy food, and it took 3 people to make me a salad. The person taking the order didn’t know what I was talking about, and I pointed at the price list with the salads listed. She asked me what kind of bread. I was like, No, a salad, just put it in the bowl. She had to go get the manager. Then they had to find the bowls. Then they went & looked for the salad dressing, and found they didn’t have it. I’m not kidding.

Nowhereville, Georgia: Zipped merrily through Atlanta, but hit bad traffic outside of it, though it was still a joy compared to Cincinnati, the traffic capital of America. Super 8 motel (not noticeably twice as super as Motel 6), surprisingly decent Mexican food across from the Piggly Wiggly. Learned that the correct pronunciation of “pecan” is puh-CAHN and that grits are not gritty, but mushy. Billboards for boiled peanuts (haven’t tried them yet) and potential mothers-to-be (“Choose Life! Aren’t you glad your mother did?” and “Heartbeat at three weeks, brainwaves at six weeks”), along with the usual (“Eternity is a long time to spend in Hell” – the author doesn’t appear to realize that eternity is a long time to spend anywhere, hence calling it eternity) and the unusual (“Use Black Kow – 100% cow manure!”).

Finally Florida: It was like magic: all of a sudden, about half an hour after I crossed the Georgia/Florida border, it was 65&deg, then 70&deg, and finally, by the time I reached my destination, 74&deg. Slept about 12 hours that night and made myself a cup of French Roast in the morning – first decent coffee in 4 days. This is not a small thing for Me. The coffee on the road was as good as the dental hygiene.

Next: How to get lost twice in one day!

4 responses so far

Feb 09 2004

Florida, Part II

Published by under Florida,Travel

I say adventurettes, because we really didn?t do much, if anything. It was all about escaping from reality and hanging out and enjoying the sun.

And sun there was. It was in the neighborhood of 80 to 85 degrees, and that?s a really nice neighborhood to be in. The air was all soft and tropical, and I think I may finally understand why Florida women often seem to go for the big hair: the humidity in the air just makes it big. Ain?t nothing you can do about it. Even my normally flat, straight hair got puffed up and slightly wavy. It was all part of being Florida Suzy.

Not only was it the first trip ever to Florida for my sis and me (Florida virgins!), it was our first sight of the Gulf of Mexico. Both the Atlantic and the Pacific oceans are old friends to us, but the Gulf was all new. It?s very blue in the manner of the Mediterranean, but with a more translucent quality. It?s also way more pacific than the Pacific, with about as much wave action as a lake or the bathtub when I step out of it. Surfers, go somewhere else!

But Megan had a great time scuba diving in the Gulf, where she met dolphins, giant turtles, and manatees. She is now totally in love with manatees. I think she snuck one home in her suitcase. Lazy Me just swam in the fabulous pool under the bright blue sky and palm trees, and when I got slightly chilled, like a bottle of white wine, I hung out in the hot tub beside the pool. Repeat as needed. You gotta love swimming outside in February. Not to mention having your morning coffee outside under the orange tree and your dinner on the patio under the stars. At one dinner, we were even serenaded by an acapella men?s chorus, who happen to adjourn to that particular restaurant on Monday evenings following their practice. They drink beer, talk about the rehearsal, and practice a little more. They are something like a barbershop quartet, only there were about 10 of them. It was a pleasure to hear them, and it must be a dying, or at least declining, art, so it was a privilege, too.

Florida, at least the little I saw of it, is (look out, you know what?s coming next!) what the French would call jolie-laide (roughly translated, “ugly-beautiful”). It has great natural beauty: the blue waters of the Gulf; the beaches with sand like white sugar, scattered with exotic shells; tropical trees and flowers (in the dead of winter!), but all this is tempered considerably by endless strip malls (which, oddly, often seemed to contain both churches and porn emporia), billboards, and thousands of trailer parks. Pretty much the epitome of that part of Florida for me was when we went to a beautiful beach near St. Petersburg (quite unlike the Russian one, I can tell you from personal experience) and watched the sun set. Right across the road from the beach was, yes, you guessed it, a strip mall. There you have it. And it didn?t make the beach any less beautiful.

Next time, I?ll venture over to Colin?s and Aim&eacutee?s coast, check that out, and of course, give an Oscar-worthy performance in my teeny part in their next film. If I?m really good, I might get a line or two instead of just a walk-on part.

8 responses so far

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