Jul 06 2005

A Hospital Is Not a Spa

Published by at 9:54 am under Bullshit

In Which Suzy Learns Why a Hospital is Not Like a Spa:


  • People go to spas voluntarily. No-one really wants to go to the hospital (reasons to follow).

  • Spas smell like herbs and soothing aromatherapy products. Hospitals smell like hospital food.

  • Hospital food tastes (and looks) as good as it smells. Filling, but not delicious. Spa food is generally cunningly arranged greens with a fat free, yet fancy dressing. Delicious, but not filling. Common ground: nearly impossible to convince staff to give you booze with or without food. And in the hospital, it could only help.

  • Hospitals make you wear that very unattractive clothing item, apparently made of inferior quality sheets, which reveals the derri&egravere, no matter how attractive or unattractive. It remains a mystery to me why they feel this side of you is the good side – or at least, the side to be on display. Spas give you fluffy robes which pretty much conceal all. Common ground: when staff is doing things to you, whether in the spa or &agrave l’h&ocircpital, modesty is thrown to the winds.

  • Spas make you slimmer. Hospitals are svelte-defying when you drive there and then sit there all day, watching your mother sleep, making awkward conversation, or watching tv. The most cardio I get is looking for a nurse or feeding Mom about a million of those high school cafeteria sized tubs of vanilla ice cream. Needless to say, spas are big on cardio, but not on ice cream. Also, diving into comfort food and comfort wine after escaping the Big House for the day doesn’t downsize a girl, however down she may be.

  • Spas are tv-free, though not otherwise free. Hospitals, at least when you’re on Medicaid and Medi-Cal, are.

  • They call you a patient when you’re in the hospital because you have to be. You’re always awaiting some kind of ministration. Your spa visit is on your schedule.

  • You can easily get your nails done at a spa. At Mom’s hospital, they claimed to have a visiting manicurist on Tuesdays, but when we tried to actually get her to visit, no-one knew her name or phone number, rendering our efforts null and void.

  • Spas tend to make your skin look better. I now sport a collection of stress-related(read: hospital visitation-induced) zits that would be the despair of any high school student. Big, honking, painful ones, too. They undeniably give me that youthful air, though.

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6 responses so far

6 Responses to “A Hospital Is Not a Spa”

  1. # Mikeon 06 Jul 2005 at 5:29 pm

    Except for the ice cream bit, my vote goes for ‘spas’. Unless, of course, I require medical attention.

  2. # Harryon 07 Jul 2005 at 12:11 am

    Shhh! Beth thinks she is going to a spa in August!

  3. # Jenniaon 07 Jul 2005 at 7:07 am

    Sometimes I think why the walls of the hospitals are almost white or the single colour. If they add the elements of nature(or art), I will think I am traveling and forget I am not a patient.

  4. # Suzyon 07 Jul 2005 at 7:35 am

    Well, Beth is the only person I know who considers a massage a waste of time: “I could have been doing homework!” Maybe she’ll be surprised… ~wink~

  5. # Bethon 10 Jul 2005 at 10:11 am

    Remember Margaret Carswell’s joke line: this cream gives you young skin – it gives you zits!

    Beth

  6. # Kathleenon 11 Jul 2005 at 7:53 am

    Zits on a non-teenager are just wrong. I just had a huge honking one which annoyed me no end.