Suzy Says

Here are the answers to this weekend’s fascinating questions. Please note that I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV. At least I’m not charging you a nickel!

Dear Dr Suzy: why are cats so irritating?

– Mike

Dear Mike,

Cats aren’t irritating. It’s all a matter of understanding them and giving in to the wonderful and deliciously unpredictable creature that is the feline (or the female, for that matter). Focus on the positive cat qualities, such as their complete lack of barking, their sinuous grace, and their unmistakable and delightful purring.

And we’re all jealous of how much sleep they get. It’s perfectly normal.

dear suzy,

– steph

Dear Steph,

I’d like to say yes. Karma often seems to work much more slowly than I, or any reasonably impatient human being, would like. However, you may find it encouraging that I used to have a boss exactly like the one you describe. Let’s call her C (you can decide what the “C” stands for). She forced no fewer than three excellent employees to quit by being an unremitting and petty bitch. I am pleased to report that all three who were forced to quit are very successful (in fact, I work for one of them). C ran the department into the ground, so that it was entirely laid off/fired, including, yes, the Big C. That sure seems like karma suicide to me (though it took a couple of years).

If you’re one of the suffering employees, look for another job if you possibly can and plan an escape with a party afterwards. Keep track of former boss to determine timeline of karma suicide and try not to gloat. That will be harder than the job interviews!

Dear suzy,

– babs

Dear babs,

One of my many character flaws is the inability to tell these advice-hungry strangers to shut up and leave me alone. If I’m on a plane with them, I’m afraid that expressing my natural rudeness and boredom could result in a war of escalation, as the advice seeker takes control of the shared armrest, then “accidentally” spills scalding hot coffee in my lap and tells the flight attendant that I’m armed. So I generally try to answer them the best I can.

At least when I was having that Pap test, talking about the nurse’s love life distracted me from the process (though it is odd to have someone speaking directly into your crotch, as if it were the order window at a drive-through). But that’s about the best I can say. Let me know if your friend has any handy tips. I could use them!

Dear Suzy,

– Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,

You get hungry at 10 pm because it’s been hours since you had dinner, unless you live in Europe, in which case, you’d still be having dinner at 10 pm. It’s perfectly normal. To ensure marital peace, send your husband out to walk the dog or pick up some milk and snack while he’s gone. What he doesn’t know, he won’t lecture you about.

If deceiving your nearest and dearest bothers you, inform him that if eating after 7 pm was so bad for you, every person who works night shifts would be fat. Or tell him that if he really loved you, he’d let you nibble when you want to. After all, food is a basic human need, like love.

If he persists in critiquing your metabolic style, tell him to go for a run while you eat dessert.

That was fun! If you have a question for me, leave it in the comments or email it to me at speakall@earthlink.net and I’ll answer it next Monday.