Suzy Says

Dad was never that interested in the Royal Family. I was the one who dragged him to Buckingham Palace when some of the rooms were open to the public (he really enjoyed it, though), and I was on my own when it came to visiting Althorp, Princess Diana’s ancestral home.

Though he didn’t care about their scandals or public engagements, he didn’t want them ousted, either. But he also felt that the Queen could get by just fine without any of his money.

To keep Her Majesty’s regal paws off his dinero, he kept most of it in an offshore account. And to make sure that she didn’t get any after he was gone, the account was in both our names. That way, the money passed directly to me, neatly avoiding the taxman in the process. Because nothing adds to grief like subtracting nearly half of your inheritance.

After handing over my siblings’ portions, I kept mine there, where it steadily declined over many years, which is what happens when you withdraw a lot and never deposit. And then there’s currency fluctuation. I was hoping that the currency exchange would become more favorable over time, so I left it there.

About a month ago, I received a letter from them, saying that I had to provide them with a notarized copy of my passport and proof of income. Even though none of my income (which has such a brief stay in my local bank account that if you blink, you miss it) is there or ever has been, and the amount in the account is minuscule and has been there for many years.

As far as I was concerned, if they thought I was going to allow them to invade my privacy like that, not to mention the inconvenience of going all the way to town to copy the documents and have them notarized at my expense and then mailing them registered overseas, again at my expense, they were crazy as well as nosy.

I told them as much, and they told me that if they didn’t receive a written letter from me requesting that they close my account – no fax or email allowed – by the end of June, they’d put a block on my account so I’d have to submit all the documentation before receiving my money.

Nice.

I sent them an express mail letter which cost nearly $30, but couldn’t get them to confirm that they had received it. The USPS site said “received abroad, June 16, 6:11 pm” for days, without saying where and who had signed for it.

Finally, I realized that I could just transfer it on line. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, true, but it’s hard to think when you’re traumatized by bank bullshit. And only have two brain cells.

There’s about a dollar left in that account. I hope they enjoy it.