Suzy Says

Jonathan gave Megan a pizza stone for Christmas. In spite of our usual “no gift” rule, if you see something someone would want/love, it’s OK to get it. No reciprocation needed. It’s all in keeping with our guilt-free Christmas.

I knew the big box was from Williams-Sonoma. I recognized the gift wrapping from the days when I had professionals wrap my gifts, partly because of my innate slothfulness and partly because of my total lack of wrapping skills. But we were surprised and delighted to see what was in the box.

Now, I used to have a pizza stone, but since I couldn’t figure out how to get the sticky, topping-laden pizza onto the hot pizza stone in the oven without damage to pizza or Self*, I gave it away before I moved.

Megan thought that she could put cornmeal on the back of a cookie sheet and the pizza would slide off onto the hot stone, but she also experienced stickiness and general recalcitrance on the part of the pizza, and ended up baking it on the cookie sheet. It was still good, but the stone remains untested, and we were hoping the stone would give us the crispy pizzeria-type crust of our delivery-deprived dreams.

Of course, Rob immediately started thinking of ways he could make a pizza peel from found objects, so I’m sure we’ll experience the pizza stone in the near future.

While Megan was struggling with the pizza I was struggling with Key lime pie.

The pie problem was caused by Megan and me modifying a new recipe into a sort of Thai chicken soup. It called for lime juice, but a whole bag of Key limes was less than two dollars, so we got that instead. The obvious way to use up the leftover limes was pie, and Megan already had the recipe. I picked up graham crackers and condensed milk at the local store and got to work.

When I looked more closely at the recipe, I saw that it called for a pre-made crust. I figured it was crushed crackers and butter and maybe sugar, but in what proportions? I consulted Epicurious.com and found an easy-looking recipe. I started to crush the crackers by hand, but it soon became apparent that this was not one of the best ideas I ever had.

I went to the studio/pantry to look for my food processor. While I was at it, I located the components of the electric juicer. I like to make my expeditions to my house’s Arctic as productive as possible.

The food processor was a big improvement. Once I had the crust in the oven, I turned my attention to the filling. You wouldn’t believe how many teeny limes it takes to make two teaspoons of zest.

Then it was time to juice the limes. They turned out to be inconveniently small for the pointed part of the juicer and kept sliding off. This in turn made the juicer slide around the counterette (it’s too small to be called a counter), so I had to try and hold it down with one hand while attempting to juice the limette with the other.

You wouldn’t believe how many limettes it takes to make 1/3 cup of juice.

By this time, the crust was done and I put it into the refrigerator without burning myself on the oven. Score! The recipe says to chill the crust thoroughly before putting in the filling, but then you put it back in the oven, so why does it need to be chilled?

Once I had the juice and zest ready, I opened the can of condensed milk. I was immediately horrified. Dairy products other than cheese and ice cream disgust me, so you can imagine the dismay with which I regarded the sticky, gelatinous goo that oozed forth from the can of horror.

I mixed the frightful mess together with egg yolks, an egg, the zest and the juice, then poured it into the sort of chilled crust and put it in the oven for 20 minutes.

Obviously, you don’t want it to brown, but how can you tell if it’s done? I hoped for the best when I took it out of the oven. It was kind of jiggly, but I figured the eggs would finish cooking at room temperature. It seemed to be fine once it had cooled, and there were no crust issues caused by lack of chilling, so I still don’t know why you’re supposed to do that.

I’ve eaten a lot of Key lime pies over the years, but now that I know what’s in it, I never want to eat it again. I did take a taste though, and concluded that it needed more labor-intensive juice and zest. But everyone else loved it, and the whole thing’s been eaten by now.

Ignorance is bliss, my friends!

*I’m pleased to report that I’ve been injury free for four days and counting this new year!