Suzy Says

Lately, I’ve been feeling like the house is ganging up on me, with things that either don’t work, or sort of work. Can a gas stove actually gaslight you?

Things that sort of work in my house:

• The porch light. It won’t stay on unless you jam a piece of paper in beside the switch. Problem solved! By the way: almost all of my light switches turn on by flipping them down. When they’re on, they say “NO”.
• The flash heater. It’s mounted outside, so it’s easier for the pilot light to go out and the pipes to freeze during cold snaps. I’m always dreading it going out while I’m in the shower. You know, the one with the window in it and the shower curtain rod fastened across part of the window so the shower curtain is almost long enough. And the one which never quite drains and is nearly impossible to get the pine needles/bugs/dirt out of.
• The stove. Sometimes the burners light, and sometimes they don’t. It’s a new adventure every time! And speaking of adventures, the oven has to be lit with a match, a horrifying ordeal that could be avoided completely if only there was restaurant delivery. So every time I use it, I light a match first, and then turn on the gas. Then I stick the match into the little hole and hope for the best. Often, the match goes out, and then I turn off the gas and wait a bit before trying again, reasoning that if I try again right away the whole house might explode. It can take a few tries. This may be what really happened to Sylvia Plath.
• The toaster. It had a temper tantrum recently, and now the handle won’t stay down, which means that my toast refuses to toast. Sometimes, if I hold the handle down for a while, it stays down, but otherwise, I have to stand there and hold it down. Since the alternative is toasting it in the broiler, requiring the match and gas routine described above, holding it down seems eminently reasonable. Bonus: if the handle does stay down, it doesn’t pop up again by itself, so if I get distracted, my toast gets burned.
• The washer and dryer. The washer has a bad habit of tossing off the agitator (if that’s what you call that thing sticking up in the middle) at some point during some loads of wash. It makes a truly alarming noise as it rackets around in there. Bonus: excellent at making holes in clothes and liberating underwires from bras. The dryer has a hole in the front so you can admire the oh so pricy propane burning away your money. It can also melt your clothes if they are synthetic fibers and you aren’t keeping your eye on things.

On the other hand, Rob is a one man, free home improvement handyman. Yesterday he magically appeared and sealed up the drafty leaks in the pantry door, also installing a draft blocking thingie on the bottom of the door. It will also keep out the rain scheduled for the next TEN DAYS. I feel convinced that this is the one that will take out the power.

He also caulked the loose panes of glass on the balcony door and fixed it so it actually closes and stays closed. It used to blow open in the wind, so I put a bag of clothes (still unpacked) in front of it. But this is better. Also it will make the Audrometer quieter. I hope.