Suzy Says

Birds on a wire. Maybe they’re listening in.

Ugh. Changing my email address was a total nightmare. As you know, I wasn’t happy about changing it in the first place, but I was even unhappier after the ordeal was over.

I tried to cancel on line, but it said you have to call. So I called.

The recording said they were experiencing high call volumes, so try the on line chat service.

I started the chat, and wrote that I wanted to cancel my account. The agent asked why. I wrote that I just wanted to cancel it. He then replied that I had to call to cancel it. Notice that he did not mention that until I refused to answer his question. I bet you three bucks that he would have done it if I had answered the question. If he really couldn’t cancel my service, why didn’t he tell me that right away?

Irked, I hung up on him, and called again. Good thing that I didn’t have anything else to do this morning.

Despite the allegedly high call volume, my call was answered almost immediately. I guess “high call volume” is code for “We don’t want to talk to you, and will try to convince you to use any other means available to answer your question. But if you insist…”

I made my repeated plea, and was yet again asked why.

Now, I don’t think it’s any of their (insert expletive of your choice) business why I want to cancel. The reason is my will, as Shakespeare put it. So when the agent asked “May I ask why you are canceling your account?” I simply said “No”. This seemed to floor her, and is apparently not part of the handbook, since the silence stretched out for a nearly uncomfortable period of time before she remembered it was her turn to talk. Conversation requires effort on both ends, you know.

She put me on hold to do whatever it is that cancellation entails (A phone call? Flip a switch?) and/or to tell her co-workers what a nut she had on the line. When she came back, she started asking me who my new provider would be, and related queries. I asked why she needed to know. She said it was for “documentation purposes”, and I said it was none of her business. I don’t have to explain myself to them, or justify my decision. It’s simple: I no longer want/need the service you provide. End of story. Or so you’d think.

Then she offered me a lower rate to stay with them. Don’t you love it? We’ll take your money for years, but when you try to leave, we’ll give you a deal.

All in all, it was a bad breakup.

Next on my list was the water company. I figured that if dumping a service provider which had never given me any trouble – until today – was such an ordeal, breaking up with a company whose surreal and expensive bills have been plaguing me for almost two years would indeed be hard to do.

Nope. They didn’t ask why I didn’t love them anymore, or where I was going to get water from now, or my views on fluoridation. They asked where to send the final bill, wished me a good day, and that was it. I guess you never know how a break-up will go.