Suzy Says

I’ve been a busy little bee the past few days, flitting up and down Market Street wearing slightly more sensible shoes than usual, going from conferences to meetings at the office to fun errands like selling my jewelry* and sneaking into Walgreens to buy Vogue** and antacids.

There were two days of conferences, held at the posh Four Seasons. As I swanned past the two doormen (one for each door – I love having doors opened for me), I noticed elevators to the “private residences” and felt a pang of envy for those with the means to buy a condo in a five star hotel. And of course, you all know that I suffer from serious Eloise envy and fantasize about living in a fancy hotel the way other girls fantasize about meeting Johnny Depp.

Oddly, the lobby is on the fifth floor, where the conferences were held. I’m beginning to think that there’s never any escaping school. The speaker (teacher) stood at the front of the room (class) and talked about things (insert Charlie Brown grown-up voice here) while the attendees (class) pretended to listen and take notes, while actually wondering what’s for lunch and why time is standing still.

When breaks (recess) and lunch (lunch) arrive, everyone’s trying to talk to, sit with, or be seen with the popular kids. Unpopularity is disguised by going out on the terrace and appearing to make and receive important phone calls.

I left for meetings in our office and came back both days, giving me ample opportunity to observe how skanky that section of Market Street is. It’s not the worst part, but it does have a fair number of homeless folks and crazies, one of whom was calmly relieving himself on the side of the BART station access near the fancy hotel. If I were paying $400 a night for a room there, or lived in one of the sky-high condos, I wouldn’t be too thrilled with that. I wonder why they built it there (and it was built recently, so Market Street was already like this when they broke ground). I used to live half a block away from a slaughterhouse, and thought the same thing when luxury condos were built directly across the street from me. “Abbatoir adjacent” and “Homeless crazy central” aren’t usually considered luxe amenities.

Maybe they want to feel like they’re walking on the wild side, or seeing the real San Francisco, which they are. It’s not the whole truth, but it’s definitely part of it.

*Now that the ring’s been cleaned, it turns out to be yellower than it first appeared, so it’s worth a thousand dollars less. The jeweler chirped, “Usually when a piece is cleaned, it’s much brighter and worth more. This is really unusual!” Thanks, family curse! You will never stop surprising me in innovative ways!

**It’s for research. I’ll tell you more soon.