Suzy Says

While I was making egg salad today, it occurred to me that it was basically eggs with egg sauce. Also that it may be the only food which is ever served with, as it were, a sauce of itself. Not just egg salad (eggs being an important part of mayonnaise), but Hollandaise*, too, the most delightful part of any Eggs Benedict or Florentine. If you are a fan of Hollandaise and find yourself in the picturesque town of Fort Bragg, California, go to Egghead’s. Theirs is magically delicious. I love their freshly-squeezed grapefruit juice, too.

I make excellent egg salad, by the way. I’d tell you how, but I never measure anything when I make it. So you’ll just have to take my word for it.

As I sliced and diced, I pondered other culinary conundrums, such as why you always have to buy huge bunches of herbs, like a bridezilla’s bouquet. Wouldn’t it be great if you could buy just what you needed? I can almost never use them up and I always feel guilty, though at least I can put them in the green bin and know they’ll be composted. Maybe other herbs will grow in the leftover herb compost, completing the circle of life.

Another mystery is why the hothouse or English cucumbers always come in shrink wrap, whereas regular cucumbers don’t. Why do the English ones need condoms? I mean, they have their own skin, which should be protection enough. Shouldn’t it?

When you order a dish in a restaurant that has shrimp in it – say, for example, seafood fettucine – why does it always have the tail on? It’s an uncomfortable reminder that the shrimp in question was once swimming happily around, minding its own business, until someone yanked it out of the water and killed it so you could eat it. That makes me feel even guiltier than the composted herbs.

Apart from cruelty to small crustaceans, there is the problem of actually eating the shrimp. You can either pick it up and de-tail it, thereby getting sauce on your manicure, or you can cut it off with a knife, possibly missing out on some shrimpy goodness. It’s a problem, I tell you. At least for those with shrimpy minds.

And if you’ve been wondering what kind of wine to serve with your Cool Ranch Doritos or Krispy Kreme donut – and who hasn’t, really – here’s your answer. Enjoy in immoderation!

*Does “aise” secretly mean “egg-based” in French? Enquiring minds and unreformed linguistics majors want to know.