Suzy Says

Given the New Austerity (and, frankly, tired of taking it), I’ve started looking for a part-time job. It’s harder than you’d think to find a job that really is part-time. I have learned that what most employers really want is essentially full time workers, but with enough hours that they don’t have to supply benefits. So “part-time” jobs are 30-38 hours a week, which is impossible for me, since I already have a job.

And don’t get me started on how employers also want applicants to have a string of degrees and qualifications and then work for $12-15 an hour with no benefits.

Another thing I learned about from perusing the want ads is a job I didn’t know existed before: family assistant. Apparently, this is someone in addition to one’s nanny to do the boring housework, pick up the kids, ferry them to soccer practice and ballet lessons, help them with homework, etc. I thought that was a parent’s job, but what do I know, being child-free and all. They probably get the family assistant to vet schools, plan the graduation party, and the weddings for the kids, too.

Since I’m not cut out to be a paid parent (or an unpaid one), here are some possible part-time jobs for Suzy:

• Cosmetic namer: I love it when make-up has names instead of numbers. It’s so much more fun to know your lipstick is called Cherries in the Snow than Number 342. I’m sure I could come up with some fabulous names for girls like I.
• Showgirl: Time might be against me on this one, but I’d love to wear one of those wonderful headdresses and be the toast of Las Vegas. And it wouldn’t interfere with my day job.
• Starlet: A vanishing career, but perfect for someone who’s frivolous and not particularly talented. I could write my own tabloid stories about myself. Two part-time jobs, no diapers! Sign me up!
• Ball Girl: How fun would this job be? And I’d have the winters off to recover from my arduous tasks on the beach in say, Bora Bora. I’ve heard good things.
• Beauty Queen: Time is probably against me on this one, too, but I’ve been studying the red carpet for years and nobody knows gowns like I do. Also having a best friend who was an international model in our mutual youth taught me a few things about make-up, named or numbered. And no-one would enjoy wearing a tiara more than I would, except possibly a friend’s relative, who wears her small town beauty queen tiara to Thanksgiving dinner.
• Personal shopper: Really, kids, can you think of a better use for my champagne tastes and love of shopping? Not to mention my flawless good taste and ability to spend other people’s money. This one would be a win-win.

All ideas, comments, and suggestions welcome!