Dec 23 2007
Wild Kingdom
You’d have to figure a day that starts with a ticket before breakfast is not going to be a good one.
You’d be right.
Arriving home, ticket in hand, I found half the regulation number of kittens. June was hovering in the laundry room, overly interested in the broom closet for someone who does even less housework than I do. Audrey was nowhere to be seen, but she was heard – somewhere under the house.
Inspecting the broom closet, which, unsurprisingly, was free of brooms, I noticed a hole in the floor. Looking through the hole, I saw Audrey. In the crawlspace under the house. To which I did not have a key*.
Called landlords, got voicemail. Made executive decision to go to hardware store and get bolt cutters and new lock. Was pleasantly surprised to learn that bolt cutters could be (and were) rented, and returned home feeling moderately triumphant, only to be acccosted by next door neighbor, B, who informed me that there was raw sewage merrily percolating out of my house.
With B by my side, I went and peered under the bush to the right of the house and was horrified. B further informed me that the sewage situation had existed for approximately one week at that point. That’s not information that should be kept to yourself, my friend. Gah. Thanked B, called the landlords, got voicemail. Freed Audrey from under the house. She was remarkably ungrateful. I had pictured her clinging to me as if to say, “Thank you for saving me!” but instead, she kept trying to get back down the hole and when that failed, threw herself against the door, howling. For hours.
I longed for Marlin Perkins and a tranquilizer dart. For each of us.
*My landlords seem like nice people, though definitely on the flaky side. They keep meaning to get the keys to me for the crawlspace and the shed with the lawnmower, but haven’t managed it yet. I suspect they are a former couple, since they own the house together but now have separate addresses, so are possibly working out that whole post-breakup communication thing. And we all know how fun that is.
Comments Off on Wild Kingdom