Nov 17 2005
Special Olympics
I know they say hearing about other people’s dreams is really boring – and while I may be many things, I hope boring isn’t one of them – but I promise to keep it brief. Also Kirstie Alley wasn’t in this one.
I dreamed that I called a company to complain about something, only to be informed that they had closed their complaints department. No further complaints would be taken. I was furious, because complaining is one of the few things I do well. And often. If there were a Complaints competition in the Olympics, I’d get a gold medal. They could give you a topic, and the one who complains the longest and most entertainingly wins.
I don’t know why there isn’t, come to think of it. Practically everything else is an Olympic sport these days. Synchronized Knitting, with players all knitting and purling at the same time with the precision of the Rockettes. Points will be dropped for dropped stitches. Relay Speed Coloring, where one player feverishly fills in as much as s/he can before passing the crayon to the next player. The first one to fill in the entire coloring book without going out of the lines wins. False Eyelash Application, individual and whole strips. There will be mandatory eyelash extension testing, and anyone who fails will be condemned to using mascara only for an entire year.