Jun 12 2005

The Bells

Published by at 4:05 pm under Family

This bright, sunny Sunday afternoon, the church bells are ringing out. I wonder whether they are calling out for worship, a wedding, a funeral? A beginning? An end? A comfort? Hope? There’s something about a Sunday afternoon that’s always a little melancholy, invoking thoughts of homework still undone, the week-end at its end, the duties in the week ahead.

I think of my mother, still battling the disease that will eventually win – and there is no winner when it’s your own body that’s attacking and killing you. I think of my sister and brother, who have borne this almost unconscionable burden for more than two years now: watching the woman whose body gave them life destroy itself. This in the wake of our beloved father’s death. It is truly amazing what the human spirit can overcome. I love and admire my siblings more than I can ever say. They are nothing but courage and love.

I think my mother is surviving by a combination of stubbornness and fear of death. I do. I feel the echo in myself. I’ve always been afraid of death. I’m afraid of my impending orphanhood, much as I wish for my mother to be released from her pain and fear. I don’t want to think about the present or the future, with all the fear and uncertainty. I want to remember the past, when I had my parents and my grandparents, and it seemed that nothing could go wrong.

5 responses so far

5 Responses to “The Bells”

  1. # Mikeon 12 Jun 2005 at 4:57 pm

    I hear you; those days of blissful ignorance. I look at my kids wiith wonder and a certain joy that they (so far) don’t know some of the shite that life can dole out. I also worry too much about my own demise, worried about what I won’t have finished before moving on. Worrying, sometimes at the expense of living; it can be hard to let go.

  2. # Kathleenon 13 Jun 2005 at 8:03 am

    Praying for Mom, Meg, Beth, Jonathan, et al and you, of course. Mom’s definitely a fighter – she’s shown us that over the past # of years, hasn’t she?

    Love and hugs!

  3. # Amberon 13 Jun 2005 at 9:57 am

    *hugs*

  4. # nariduon 13 Jun 2005 at 11:43 pm

    all we can do is send our thoughts of compassion and support, your family have held together with such strength to be with each other in these times *hugs*

  5. # Suzyon 14 Jun 2005 at 9:22 am

    Thanks for all your good thoughts, everyone – it really helps to know you care & are thinking about us. Hugs back atcha!