Jan 05 2005
How to Get Nowhere
– Wake up early (ick) to get to airport on time.
– Get to airport on time, despite cab driver’s insistence on taking the stupid (read: long) way.
– Wait in very long line to check in.
– At check in, you are informed that the flight is delayed by at least two hours, maybe more, meaning that you will definitely miss your connecting flight. Agent changes your reservation to another airline which has a non-stop flight. Non-stop flight leaves in around 4 hours, but is the only game in town.
– Get to Security, where your bags are searched with the kind of avidity dogs apply to steak. You begin to feel guilty of something as they start running a little brush thing over your lap top and bag. People start looking at you like you’re a criminal.
– If they keep looking, they will get to see a female security agent totally feeling me up. My boobs haven’t been examined this thoroughly since my last mammogram. As the feelfest proceeds, I wonder if I could request a hot male security guard to perform this particular function. Remember that there are no hot male security guards, and if they were, the hideous nylon uniform would cancel it out anyway.
– Apparently my tits are satisfactory, so I am released. After 4 hours, report to gate only to be informed that my reservation is not in their computer and the flight is:
a. Oversold
2. The last one of the day.
– I should get a prize for not throwing a great big noisy fuss. I just tell them I’m going home. The agent looks astonished. I repeat the simple statement. She says I have to be escorted out, which seems like exactly the kind of thing that would happen to a girl who had all her baggage and boobage searched. I bet the people who caught the earlier show were nudging each other and saying, “I knew she was no good”. They’re not wrong.
– Get cab home.
Distance travelled: To the airport and back
Time elapsed: 8+ hours
Mental state: I think you know.