Suzy Says

A Christmas comedy, starring Suzy
Co-starring an uncooperative car and a very recalcitrant turkey

On Christmas Eve, I volunteered to go to a mall(!) and pick up some last minute items for a friend, who was hostessing a quite splendid party. I braved the hordes of last-minute holiday shoppers, and emerged victorious, clutching my hard-won shopping. I got in the car, turned the key, and…

…nothing.

I couldn’t believe this, so I kept trying until I realized that the car battery had chosen a cold winter evening to expire, proving that no good deed goes unpunished. For once, I was actually glad to have my cell phone, and summoned help. While waiting for rescue on a cold winter evening, I reflected on the fact that time can actually stand still. When Rescue Guy arrived, it took less than one minute to bring the car back to life, and less than that for me to put the heat on.

Arriving at my hostess’ house, I hurried in with all the shopping I could carry, and then returned to the car for the rest of it. This was a good theory until I realized…

…that I had locked the keys in the car with the engine running.

No wonder I hardly ever drive. I’m a hazard when I’m parked.

Fortunately, it was a different Rescue Guy the second time.

The comedy continued in the kitchen, where the turkey, which had been defrosting for two days, was still frozen. We put it in the microwave to defrost, but after three rounds, it was still frozen inside. My hostess had the bright idea of pouring boiling water into the frozen cavity. There’s a trust exercise for you: I held the turkey upright while she poured the boiling water in.

It finally thawed enough for us to try and remove the plastic bag of grossness and the neck. The plastic bag gave up easily, but the neck would not come out. Peering into the dark recesses of the entr&eacutee-to-be, it appeared to me that there were two things in there, not one. A prolonged bout of turkey wrestling ensued, with one of us holding the pan and the other attempting to wrench the neck out (and whatever else was in there).

It finally emerged, and turned out to be in fact the longest turkey neck ever seen – the John Holmes of turkey necks. We ended up having to wrap the poultry porn star in foil and roast it at 400 degrees, and had dinner at a very European 9:00 pm.

Note to self: get a chauffeur and become a vegetarian. The world will be a safer place.