Suzy Says

Of the many, many things I have done many times but am still bad at (for example: waiting in line, anywhere – watch Suzy go from 0 to homicidal in 60 seconds or less!; grocery shopping – immediately forget what I went there to buy and wander the aisles mindlessly, only to end up with a bizarre assortment of things and then the homicidal waiting in line capped by the cashier eyeing my selections and me suspiciously; being a grown-up; any form of domestic chore whatsoever), the worst has to be flying. Flying includes many of the things I hate the most:

– The afore-mentioned waiting in line (to check in; to go through customs and/or security; to get on the plane)

– The boredom

– The complete lack of space and privacy, even in first class

– The claustrophobia

– The terrifying turbulence which can make your life flash before your eyes (and if it’s my life, that little montage is scarier than a Stephen King novel)

– Being subject to the general public, including screaming babies (let’s face it: flying is really public transit, with all its accompanying horrors)

– Public bathrooms (2-4 per 200+ people – need I say more?)

I fly thousands of miles a year, but still hate it. In fact, I am writing this little missive on board a plane, which just goes to show that I must have a certain optimism, since presumably I believe that I will be able to post this when I get where I’m going.

I will never be a blas&eacute(e) flyer, however. Turbulence always scares the crap out of me, and the turbulence I experienced on my earlier flight today (I’m on Flight Number Two now) was the worst in my entire flying lifetime. Landing in Chicago, the plane was rocked back and forth violently, as if by a giant, unseen and malevolent hand, and just to make the ride more fun, the rocking motion was interspersed with being tossed around like a toy ship on the high seas. I have never been so glad to get anywhere. I almost bagged the rest of trip to stay on safe ground and hang out with Colin, but I figured the worst had to be over.

However, I was wrong about that. I have discovered something even worse than being bounced around in the clear blue sky, fearing for your life (such as it is) and making deals with the nearest available deity that are about as likely to be kept as most New Year’s resolutions. The guy sitting next to me fell asleep before takeoff (how do people do that? I envy them and their bliss of unconsciousness) and started snoring with a volume and vigor that had most of my fellow passengers looking around for the source of the noise, probably fearing engine trouble. He appeared set to stay that way for the whole flight, which suddenly seemed just so much longer. I was homicidal in record time and overwhelmed with the unfairness of experiencing both horrors in one day – within an hour, actually. However, I was rescued by a kindly steward, who winked at me and smiled before dropping a candy bar on the guy to wake him up. He apologized and moved on. His work here was done.

PS The snoring guy appeared to have clear nail polish on (not to mention lots of heavy gold jewelry), which somehow just made it worse. Men should not primp and/or be more vain than girls, especially if they take up valuable bathroom time which the girl of the house could be using to primp. They should not wear jewelry, except a wedding ring (if applicable) and a watch (but not something hideous, like a Rolex). I mean, leave us something, guys! You already run the world, don’t have babies or periods, and mostly get paid more than we girls do. And you only have to wear nylons if you WANT to.