Suzy Says

If yours is one of the emails moldering in my inbox, or a long-unanswered phone message, you aren’t the only one wondering where the hell Suzy is. I recently received the following email from my niece:

A Hopeful Inquiry

Hey! I just remembered! I have an Aunt! If I can recall correctly (it has been a while) she wasn’t feeling very well. She had some kind of wicked infection. Now, I know her name starts with an ‘S’, and since you are the only S in my address book, I figured you must be her. Tell me if this sounds familiar:

– blonde hair (but not on its own)

– short (or shall we say petite?)

– extravagant

– carbon-addict

– speaks French

– Giants fan

– allergic to dust

– loves champagne

– generally fabulous

If this sounds like you please reply to this address. I quite liked having an Aunt.

Yours sincerely,

Cat x x x x x x x x x

Naturally, I directed this to the proper authorities, who hastened to respond to my niece’s concerns:

Missing Persons Inquiry

Dear Ms. ——,

Thank you for your inquiry regarding your missing Aunt Suzy. You may be surprised to hear that yours was only one of dozens – possibly hundreds – we have received. We are working diligently on the case. We have already checked the hospitals and the most exclusive night clubs and restaurants, to no avail.

Don’t give up hope. We have a team of professional shoppers roaming delightful shopping locales, along with all downtown liquor stores which stock champagne.

Missing posters have been placed in strategic locales, such as jewelry and lingerie stores, and on the tops of taxis. We all know there is no point in placing these posters on bus stops – your Aunt’s views on public transportation are well-known.

You may be pleased to hear that we are planning to enroll her at the nearest location of Sloths Anonymous as soon as she is found. She clearly has a problem.

Our last resort is going to be a trail of diamonds leading to her iBook, in the hopes it will lead her to actually write to her friends and family. Harry Winston and Tiffany have already volunteered to assist in this endeavor.

We will keep you informed. Please let us know if you have any other ideas which may help us to find this fabulous creature. She is using up a great deal of our resources and man hours, as you can imagine.

Thank you again for your inquiry.

Best regards,

Missing Persons Bureau (Suzy Department)