Suzy Says

I was awakened yesterday morning by the shrill voices of teenagers and the exasperated, English-accented voice of their teacher (“No more disparaging remarks!”). They were standing outside discussing architecture and history. It’s truly astonishing how loud a bunch of kids can be. What’s the correct term? Flock? Gaggle? Herd? I’m thinking gaggle is the most appropriate. Note to self: Never be outnumbered 30 to 1. Them’s unwinnable odds, my friends.

After that surreal start to the day, I had:

One cup atomic SuzyStrength coffee (non-Suzys who have dared to drink this dark, passionate brew – including my mother – claim that drinking it will almost certainly remove tooth enamel. They have recommended alternative methods of consumption that are less dentally dangerous, such as intravenous, but you know how I love living on the edge. Also, I have been drinking caf&eacute Suz&eacute for 25 years and I still have all my teeth, unlike my mother);

One watermelon flavored Jolly Rancher;

One blue raspberry flavored Jolly Rancher (this was news to me, and happy news, too, since everyone knows that blue raspberry is the best flavor, whether in SweeTarts or Slush Puppies or Freezies, despite the fact that, to my vast and worldly knowledge of the fruit world, blue raspberries do not exist in nature. Red ones, yes, and white ones, yes, but the blue ones are entirely artificial as well as making the raspberry species patriotic by adding the blue to the red, white, and blue. Also artificial is almost always preferable to the horrors of nature, with the notable exception of boobage);

One Popsicle Xtreme Sour (everything is extreme, or as it might be, Xtreme these days, from sports to antiperspirant. I’ve been Xtreme for more than four decades, so I feel like a trendsetter) in raspberry, and yes, blue raspberry. Is there a theme here? Write an essay in 100 words or less comparing and contrasting and email it to me. Your marks will be posted when I get around to it.

One dark chocolate delight filled with sea salted caramel. Sounds disgusting, but is one of the most delicious things I have ever tasted. Good thing the dealer of these wicked delectables is on the other side of town, or I would have a bad addiction and an even bigger butt than I do already.

Looking at this list, I think I belong in the gaggle of kids rather than with the responsible adults. But you knew that.