Suzy Says

It’s nearly the last day of the year, the traditional (and obvious) time to look back and reflect on the past twelve months.

I always say that I didn’t make any changes in my life after my father died, but it’s not really true. I didn’t make any outward changes – that much is true. All of my siblings changed their careers after we lost Dad, and they all chose new paths which help people: Beth runs a shelter for homeless people who are working hard to get back on their feet and regain their independence; Jonathan is a member of the local volunteer fire department and teaches science part-time; and Megan has become an Emergency Medical Technician. They are all giving to their communities, and I am very proud of them.

I still have the same job and live in the same apartment with the same guy and the same cats. Yet I’m not the same person I was a year ago. Most of my changes have been internal, but nonetheless real, and hard-won. With the help of my therapist, I have learned to understand my fear of flying, and at least some of my feelings about my parents. I have been able to take care of my mother when she needed me, in spite of our battle-scarred past. I went to England, visited Dad’s friends and cleared out his things as my stepmother requested. I have kept in touch with my stepmother at least three times a week by fax, and I believe I am a source of comfort and support to her, despite being thousands of miles away and not her actual child, but instead, a person who has grown to love and respect her for the remarkable person she is.

The most outward change would have to be that I am definitely thinner. I found that walking to work and back every day, over three miles a day, up and down all those famous hills, the best way to deal with my stress. It really helps, and it really makes a girl thinner. Then there’s the whole gym thing, another slimming stress reliever and I hope a defense against the worst effects of old age. So I am in better shape both mentally and physically than I was at the beginning of this year.

One of my co-workers remarked to me the other day that I was “more at peace than she had seen me in the past 18 months” (read: since Dad died). I was very pleased to hear that, and you know what? It’s true. Since Dad was so suddenly taken away from me, I have had to finally grow the hell up and learn to take care of myself. I have walked through the fire and come out of it as glass does: shining, fragile, yet surprisingly strong.

My new year’s resolutions:

1. Do things for Suzy.

2. Find peace in my relationship with my mother.

That’s plenty.

I wish all of you and those you love a year of health and happiness.