Suzy Says

Once upon a time, in a beautiful city by a beautiful bay, there lived a beautiful princess. Like many princesses, she was indulged more than was really good for her, both by the handsome prince who had married her and the handsome king who was her father.

In those long-ago days, stocks were high and so were property values. The leader of the country was beloved in spite of his faults, which were neither small nor few, but as we all know, that is the best kind of love.

In those long-ago days, it hardly ever rained, and the sun shone on the beautiful city almost every day, making its residents, from the wild green parrots to the slightly spoiled princess, even happier than they already were to live in such a beautiful place. The people were happy and optimistic, which means that they expected to keep on being happy. Optimism is a very dangerous thing, as we will see, and very difficult to maintain for any length of time.

In those long-ago days, a magical being called Peapod brought groceries and other necessities of life, like champagne and spring water and cat litter, to the residents of the beautiful city. Peapod was never late and had cute white vans with peapods painted on the side. They always brought everything the slightly spoiled princess wanted, which made her slightly more spoiled and her expectations of every day life slightly more unrealistic.

Then one day, the beloved leader of the country retired. The people were scared. Who would run the country now? They were right to be scared, because a wicked and stupid man appointed himself leader, and things started to go wrong almost right away. The stock market fell, and property values with it. It started raining. Unnatural and natural disasters occurred. People stopped being optimistic.

But worst of all, Peapod left the princess’s city forever. Now there was no-one to bring her the necessities of life, no matter how much she offered to pay them. Webvan, Safeway, and Albertsons all disappointed her, one after the other. They could not, would not, bring cat litter to the slightly spoiled princess’s apartment for her slightly spoiled cats. Yet the cats did not stop needing the litter; quite the reverse. The princess was outnumbered four to one by the cats, and she did not like those odds. She began to feel pessimistic, which is the opposite of optimistic.

The princess was in despair and asked the prince what to do. If you do not have a prince of your own, you may not know how useful they can be at times. They can empty out litter boxes and bring you presents and walk dogs and even open jars. They make the dark less scary and can often solve problems, too.

The prince had not always been a prince, so he knew secrets about ordinary people that you can only learn by being one. The prince told the princess not to worry, which was good, because she did not like to worry and it gave her wrinkles, which made her worry even more. The prince went to a small shop he knew of and explained the problem to the storekeeper, who agreed to bring cat litter to the prince and princess’s apartment whenever they needed it.

This is not the only reason that the prince and princess lived happily ever after, but it is one of them.