Suzy Says

I’m back. Rufus had such a good time filling in for me while I was away that we decided to have a dual blog on my return. Thanks to Candi for setting it up (and having the idea in the first place).

As you know, I just hate flying, and I had two 11 hour flights in 10 days (that’s how long it takes to fly non-stop to London from San Francisco). Non-stop. Gah. I have to say that being overwhelmed with grief (and having my brother with me) did somewhat take my mind off the possibility of the plane crashing. Also I have never gotten through Customs at Heathrow as fast as we did after Jonathan answered the officer’s routine question of “Your purpose in visiting England?” by looking him straight in the eye and saying, “Our Dad died.” The guy didn’t know what to say — he just stamped our passports and were outta there.

Here is Suzy’s guide to surviving air travel:

1. Avoid going coach if at all possible. Somehow I feel less likely to die when I have more legroom and am being pampered. You also get something close to real food and get to get off the plane first. Negative: If the plane crashes nose first, you’ll get a few less seconds than the poor folks in cattle class. Of course, you could look at it as the express lane to the afterlife.

2. Drink as much champagne as possible. If you have avoided going coach, the champagne is free, so you have no excuse not to drink it. You also get a glass before you take off, which is when you really need it. Both the likelihood of the plane crashing and the fear of it are severely diminished by at least two glasses of champagne. Negative: You will have to pee a lot. So get an aisle seat.

3. Try and get a Valium or two. You probably know someone who has it. Think of all those neurotic friends and relatives, not to mention co-workers. Make something up if you have to so they feel sorry enough for you to give it to you. Who cares if they think you’re neurotic? They’re the ones with a whole prescription, for God’s sake. It’s worth the trouble to get some — it really does take the edge off the horror.

4. Diversion is critical. Bring lots of things to read. I usually hoard “New Yorkers” for about a month and bring at least two books. It amazes me that people will get on a plane knowing the flight is 11 hours long with NOTHING TO READ. The in-flight magazine is not that interesting. Trust me.

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