Suzy Says

Cat Update:

Not much to report. Quiet day yesterday. At one point, before lights out, I had everyone on the bed. It was cozyville. Of course, as soon as I tried to sleep Jack went nuts, and she continued the psycho theme this morning, once again proving herself a very efficient alarm clock. There’s no way in hell I’m gonna sleep in when Jack has an empty tummy. Oh, and there was a bug the size of a fucking B52 buzzing around the place this morning, but before I could catch it and toss its annoying ass outside, it was thoroughly disassembled by our small pride of lionesses.

Things That Still Piss Me Off After All These Years #1:

Disco. Forever holding the number one spot on the list.

Women Are Strange #111:

A friend of mine, lets call her Confection (who runs one of the best websites ever), has her own personal blog. In it, she recently announced her wedding plans (and congratulations to Confection & Brain!), and among the positive replies was a (perhaps unintentionally) very snotty email in which a regular reader of her blog criticized Confection’s writing style. This ‘language major,’ let’s call her Angilas (AKA Anguirus, although any relationship to the mutant dinosaur that appeared in many Toho films alongside Godzilla is purely coincidental), appears to have a few major language problems, however, so I am posting her email here, along with my notes. And remember, the names have been changed to protect me from getting shat upon.

“I’m just dropping you a line, actually, cuz { slang – ‘because’ would be better in this case } I just got caught up with your blog and I HAVE to point { I believe the missing word here is ‘out’ } a grammatical error that you use often { you make errors, you do not ‘use’ them } and it just makes me totally batshit! The reason it gets by you is because you SAY it that way, which is also incorrect, but unfortunately becoming the standard usage, much like “It is me” rather than “It is I”or “between you and I” rather than “between you and me”.

There are many, many misspellings and incorrect usages that proliferate { I believe the missing word here is ‘in’ } our bastardized US English, and they will all end up being correct one day (“Let me AX you a question”), but for now, they are still incorrect and I must do my duty as a language major to point these bastardizations out and eradicate them where I can. 🙂

So, what do you write that is incorrect? I’ve seen the phrase “should have went” several times in your blog { this could be considered a colloquialism. Perhaps she is one of the few language majors in the U.S.A. who has not read ‘The Adventures of Tom Sawyer’ or ‘The Adventures of Huckelberry Finn’ }. The correct usage is “should have gone”. Past conditional tense. Americans misuse this tense all the time, so it’s not just you, but I figured you’d want to fix that in your blog since it is perused by so many.

I know, I know, I’m a goddamned uppity { should language majors really use words like ‘goddamned uppity’? } grammar Nazi who has no business running around correcting people’s grammar and pointing out misspellings. But { never start a sentence with a conjuction, such as ‘and,’ ‘but,’ or ‘or.’ } I do. And without mercy. Everyone from bloggers to corporations have gotten emails from me about this { and just how long will it take for the message that you are an annoying pain in the fucking ass to sink in? }. So there. :-> “

Oh, and yesterday I got in the elevator with a frumpy woman with a heinous red dye-job, an almost fluorescent orange. She took one look at my hair, the real thing, and spent the whole silent trip to the ground floor staring at the wall and looking pissed off. Hardee-har, bitch.

Random Notes:

Yesterday- Saw The Cool Old Black Dude on the street on the way home yesterday. When Suzy isn’t around I always wimp out and take the bus to and from work instead of walking (it’s boring without her, as are all things), and every once in a while I see TCOBD, on the street, on the bus. He uses a cane to get around, wears a battered old hat, little round-lensed shades, and all of his pants are for some reason, gigantic. We’ve chatted a few times, and he is one of those old black guys with a beautiful cadence in his voice that is completely unconscious. He sounds especially great when he is off on a tirade- the last one was about people smoking crack and messing up the public parks. I could listen to this guy talk all day.

Today- Early morning bus. A 70’s time-warp dude gets on the #19 going down Polk Street. Unreal. The guy had a bowl-cut, just like that annoying little bastard-child in Eight is Enough, a John Holmes moustache, and he was walking like something approximately the circumference of a Colt 45 40oz bottle recently blasted out of his rectum at Mach 2. He stank too, like a full ashtray that had been left out in the rain. It’s days like this I’m glad I don’t eat breakfast, because I’d be wearing it today.

Final Question

What’s the deal with testicles? They hang outside the body because the perfect brewing temperature is a few degrees less than that found inside the body, and yet they are constantly exposed to threats of violence, occasionally creeping up in a pathetic attempt to get out of the danger zone. Why not just have gonads that are able to produce microwigglies at body temperature? That’s one hell of a design flaw if you ask me.

-Rufus