Suzy Says

microburst––I just arranged to take Tuesday off, so I can have a little extra time with Suzy, and it turns out that tomorrow I have to completely retrain the useless bag of wormy meat who covered for me when I went away over Christmas because this walking waste receptacle was about as effective as single-ply toilet paper against a watery movement (and I’m not talkin’ Handel here either). Fuck!

Cat Update:

Same old. Had all the girls on the bed for a good hour last night while I watched TV and tried to force down hideous pizza. It cost a buck ninety-nine, and that?s pretty much how it tasted. The girls enjoyed nibbling a bit of cheese, though.

Things That Still Piss Me Off After All These Years #111:

The loss of J.T. Walsh. If you don?t know who he was? what, do you live in a cave or something?

Women Are Strange #303:

The receptionist in my office is dumber than a fistful of bellybutton lint. Of the countless things that she had never heard of until they were heralded in the media for one reason or another over the last few years, here are the top three. Note that she is around 50 years old, and buys the paper every day, absorbing none of it, apparently.

-The fact that anyone survived the sinking of the Titanic. What year the Titanic sank. The fact that it was the Titanic?s maiden voyage.

-The existence of Egypt?s Valley of the Kings.

-Pretty much everything about the Holocaust. She actually said to me once, ?I don?t really care what happened to the Jews.?

People With Way Too Much Fucking Time At Their Disposal:

Wayne Manzo, who often refers to himself in third person as ?the student,? is a prime example of internet freakdom distilled to purity, and his site can be found here. This guy pulls old sci-fi ideas from everywhere (on one small page alone I saw ideas ripped off from Dark Skies, Star Trek: Voyager, and of course, The X Files), and tosses them into the pot to create the bizarre confections, spiced with often hilarious typos, that are his various web pages, paranoid screeds warning of an alien takeover by the CESS (?cultural elite SS?) Alien Agency, complete with the ?evidence? to back up his statements.

A good effort Wayne, but in the future, please do not include any pictures of your scrawny & naked-save-for-underwear frame.

Choice Manzo Cuts [sic]:

1) HAIR LOSS and AGENCY HAIRCUTS CESS Alien Technology used to fry the roots of men’s hair causing the illusion of mail pattern baldness. CESS Aliens hair stylists give human beings uneven haircuts indicating that the person is an outsider

2) WORK, TORTURE, and CESS ALIEN WORKERS Attacked by the “RACE” while temporary working at packageing facilities. Working for temp employment services – sent out on slave packaging jobs paying minimum wage and where humans are attacked by the CESS Race!

3) PSYCHO TELEPATHS and SCANNERS CESS Alien Agency “Units” that are telepathic, collective, mind scanning, totally psycho, and who are impersonating human beings who they have replaced

4) FRIED FEET and TEETH Cess Alien Agency Technology used to torture human beings by “Frying” their feet. Causes swelling of the feet and extreme pain!

5) Very interesting. The CESS Alien race are utilizing all “Alien Agency” tricks in order to snuff out the human species. From sterilizing human men and women to changing their human sperm a nd eggs so that they give birth to “Alien babies” – otherwise known as “telepathic psycho kids” or “beenie babies”.

6) Also, the “CESS telepathic psycho alien race” here in Cincinnati(the women appear to be the real alien psychos) keep on making references to John Wayne Bobbit and the head of my Penis being sliced off. I would suspect this would be a deterence to having sexual relations with one of their alien women?

7) CHEMICAL CASTRATION: KILLING the SEED! While a political prisoner in Nevada (1992-1993), the student was given food containing “Radioactive Isotopes” which burned his gastro-i ntestinal tract and reproductive organs(gonads). Killing the “Human Seed” is the “M.O.” of the “Alien Race”.

8) As you read my notes below you’ll find that Cincinnati, OH is part of the Chicago alien hive and they are using the same alien technology to harass, torture, and maime me. Shortly before I left Chicago the aliens were frying my Penis and slicing into my gonads. Recently here in Chicago the aliens are using the same technology and at this point I believe an “Alien” form of a “Vasectomy” has been performed!

9) Since the “Aliens Agency” was used in Chicago and Cincinnati to damage my testicles and reproduction system – ejaculation of semen has been changed from that of “Sour Cream” (a result of being poisoned with “Heavy Metal – radioactive isotopes” while a political prisoner in Nevada_1993; and resulting in damage to the gonads – changing the semen smell to that of ammonia mixed with urine) to very little ejaculation of semen. Unfortunately, I must include the fact that these ejaculations are the result of “Alien Agency” mind manipulation during the periods the “Agency” puts me in a comotose like unconscious state, and not a result of me “banging” all the broads in Cincinnati! The aliens put me in a coma and then they have complete control over my bodily functions. In fact, they can even make a human deficate on themselves during this comatose period.

And my two favorites, absolute classics-

10a) ALIEN CHICAGO TRIBUNE DRIVERS While working on the Chicago Tribune delivery trucks in the “Windy City”, the student was continously attacked by the “Alien Drivers”!

10b) AGENCY LIBRARIES and KILLER LIBRARIANS The Cincinnati Ohio – Hamilton County library (staff and workers)is 100% CESS Aliens and because of this they continously attack and torture human beings who are brave enough to use the library for research purposes.

Random Notes:

I?m telling ya, Gutman (see Final Question, 8/27/01) really boned me this morning, and he didn?t even use any lard to make things less painful. I won?t go into all the boring details of my job, let?s just say we run some mutual funds. Anyhow, this fleshy fucker shows up an hour after I do this morning, more than a half hour after the markets open, and then he?s stumped because our little funds have cash to spend and there isn?t any paper out there to buy. So he goes and buys something brand new, at the end of the month, which means I now have a shitload of paperwork to do when I thought I could work on other stuff all day. That fat fuck. If he could haul his bloated carcass out of bed before 6am just once in a while, this wouldn?t happen. This flabacious cretin has a goddamn car too (I bet the suspension is just shit from the constant fatigue of carrying around his massive, sagging gut, not to mention the block of solid lead between his fucking ears), so I don?t know why he always shows up so late. Maybe it?s because the porcine prick needs a special crane mechanism to get in and out of the car, one of those steel chain and canvas strap things that they use to move killer whales like Keiko in and out of tanks. The blubber-laden son of a bitch

Final Question:

Maybe it?s just me, but don?t these two look like they belong in a trailer park somewhere? And what?s this ?meaningful glance? bullshit? Looks more like a ?Did you fart again?? situation to me.

**

Okay, that?s it, I?m outta here. I just got more last-minute shit dumped on my desk, and I?m pretty certain the top of my fucking head is gonna blow off. I?m going for a smoke. What shitty, shitty, shitty day this turned out to be.

-Rufus