An email from a friend yesterday bemoaned the horrors of looking for a bathing suit for an upcoming trip to the sunny Caribbean. Is there a girl alive who hasn’t suffered the indignities of bad lighting and mirrors that magnify every flaw? Bathing suit shopping in its current form should be forbidden under the Geneva Convention.
If I ran a bathing suit store, here’s how it would work:
- Change all the sizes. If the bathing suit is really a size 12, for example, label it a 10. The shopper will try on her usual size, find it, to her delight, to be too big, and will be flooded with confidence, which is the ideal mindset for bikini shopping.
- The entrance to the store will have a silver tray full of individually wrapped (these could be multi-colored, and/or have the store’s logo on them) valium, together with one of those crystal jugs of water with cucumber and mint you get in spas to wash them down with. So calming! So relaxing! The vitamin V will take effect while the shopper browses the store and selects items to try on.
- At the entrance to the fitting rooms, there will be a little bar (maybe mirrored, or all glass) with an incredibly cute barman or two. Shoppers can then be armed with the cocktail of her choice before starting the trying trying on process. It’s like having the champagne before your plane takes off, when you really need it!
- The fitting rooms will be lit entirely by candlelight, which we all know is the most flattering light. There will be a little table for your drink, and a cushy velvet sofa, and soothing music in case your nerves aren’t quite calm enough (though they certainly should be). There will be a call button to summon the staff to take away the size 12 and bring you the faux size 10, and a satin robe to put on while you wait for the smaller items to be delivered. Also fashion and gossip magazines to leaf through idly as you sip your drink and ponder your mysterious, yet welcome, weight loss.
- The mirrors will be the most flattering possible. Maybe even a specially-designed funhouse one that makes you look thinner than you really are.
- There will be a car service, with a handsome chauffeur, to whisk you home with your purchases. A DUI would really kill your bikini buzz.
- It would be called Suit Yourself!