Suzy Says

You know how it always seems that you have a million things to do right before Christmas? Especially if you’re a dyed-hair, dyed in the wool Procrastinator like I am. My last-minute Christmas Eve tasks did not include malls or shopping, but rather, a trip to the notary, Barney, and then there’s the OnStar incident.

I was invited to spend Christmas with a friend and her family in another city, so I had to rent a car. As with most rental cars, it was far too fancy and complicated for the non-mechanically minded Me (I don’t care how anything works, as long as it works). Picked up car without incident, but faithful readers will know that if I get anywhere near a car, something will happen sooner or later. This time, it’s later, so you’ll just have to wait and see.

Of course I had not packed for the trip or wrapped the presents, though I had at least bought the presents. I was about to pack up the car and go when I got a phone call informing me that I had to get some documents notarized and Fed Exed for arrival on the morning of December 27 at the latest.

Swearing in a most un-holiday manner, off I went to the notary, thankful for their non-holiday work ethic. I took a number, and was banished to the waiting room, which was dominated by a TV set bolted to the wall and inflicting Barney on an unsuspecting public. As he cultishly sang repeatedly how much he loved his (presumably unknown to him) audience and informed them that they seconded his emotion, I looked vainly for an off switch or volume control. Barney, wherever and whatever you are, you freak, I do not love you. In fact, I think you’d make one fine target.

The three kids planted squarely in front of the set would have disagreed with me, except they were in a narcotic haze. If it weren’t for the evidence of Barney so unmissably present, I would have suspected their parents of improving the kids’ juice boxes with a calming hit of an opium-based derivative. But it was Barney himself who caused the slack-jawed, glazed eye look of these brainwashed infants. I was scared.

Fortunately, my number was called, I was relieved of some cash, and I was on my way before there was an incident.

On the highway, an old gentleman driving a white Cadillac and wearing a Santa hat passed me. I wonder if that’s how Santa gets around now? So much more comfortable than a sleigh, where he is exposed to the cold night air and reindeer butts and their products. And just wearing the hat instead of the whole costume is much more modern. Stylish Santa for the 21st century. About time he updated his look.

I stopped at Denny’s en route (I know, I know, but I really had to pee. Those among you who indulge in caffeine will know that a coffee-induced pee is more unstoppable than Barney), and I swear someone was doing coke in the next stall. All I can say is, she went in, didn’t avail herself of the usual facilities, but there was lots of sniffing going on. It seems eccentric to do coke in the Denny’s ladies’ room on Christmas Eve, but perhaps we all need a little help in dealing with our holiday stress.

Back on the road, it was dark, and the inevitable occurred. I got lost. I pulled over to consult the minutely detailed instructions so thoughtfully (and fruitlessly) provided by my hostess. My attempts to turn on the lights in the complicated car resulted in:

1. Opening the moon roof to the cold and rain.

2. Accidentally hitting the OnStar button.

I tried desperately to turn it off, to no avail. A creepy computer voice informed me that it was connecting, connecting…then Kanye West abruptly stopped playing and a voice over my stereo speakers said, “This is Darnell. What’s your emergency?”

I didn’t have the nerve to tell Darnell that my only emergency was being lost, bored, traumatized by Barney, and sick of driving, or to ask him if he was the same Darnell as Crab Man on My Name Is Earl, so I just stammered out an apology for my mistake. Darnell forgave me with the grace of a Wise Man, and vanished from my life, leaving Kanye West and a blushing Suzy in his wake.

I’m never calling OnStar again.