Mar 11 2005
Drivin’ Miss Suzy
I don’t think I’m cut out to be a Floridian. Among other disqualifying characteristics, I’m extremely car- and driving-averse, and you have to drive absolutely everywhere here. To the grocery store. To the beach. To the post office. To the ballpark. To the gym!! It gives “driving me crazy” and “driving me to drink” a whole new meaning. I feel like I’ve been sentenced to endlessly drive up and down Highway 19 (or Alternate 19) like the Flying Dutchman. These highways are not all scenic, consisting mainly of strip malls (including one where there’s cosmetic surgery right next to a fast food place: “Would you like fries with that face lift?” I don’t think I’d have a lot of confidence in any kind of surgeon operating in a mall), car dealerships, trailer parks, and fast food restaurants.
You can tell you’re in Florida because in addition to the usual billboards threatening you with Hell if you don’t straighten up and fly right into church right now, there are lots of them for cataract surgery, macular degeneration surgery, and treatments for other age-related ailments. And if all else fails, there are also lots of billboards for funeral homes. On-site crematoria seem to be a big draw, though somehow that seems slightly undignified to me, like it’s a drive-thru or something. My favorites are the one with the laughing, very young lady with the slogan “Celebrate Life!” followed by the name of the funeral home, and the one that says, “Preplanning – the gift that keeps on living!”
One Response to “Drivin’ Miss Suzy”
I can’t see you in one of those nylon “jogging” suits, either … the ones that come in only purple or pink and make a bone-chilling “swwsshhhh swwsshhh” sound when in motion.
Come on home!