Apr 30 2003

Sick

Published by at 5:48 am under Bullshit,City Life,San Francisco

Yesterday’s incident affected me more than I thought. In a matter of seconds, a total stranger destroyed my peace of mind in the selfish desire to fulfill a passing whim. It seems deeply unfair that his caprice had this effect; also, that just because I’m a girl, I have to worry about my physical safety in the simple act of walking to work.

I used to really enjoy the walk to work. It was not only what Buddhists call “walking meditation”, but a pleasure. I enjoyed the beauty of the city, its remarkable buildings, secret parks and gardens, the different vistas of the Bay and its bridges, for our city planners knew enough not to obstruct the waterfront with high-rises. I enjoyed the exertion of walking up and down the hills, aware of my body and breathing, present in the moment.

But this morning, I took a different route, however irrational. Perfectly innocent joggers passing me prompted a pang of fear, as did a gentleman in a suit who stepped from the shadows of a building to hail a passing cab. I looked nervously down dark alleys as I walked by them, and over my shoulder every block or so. Never before had I realized how inadequate the street lights are to their task. Many streets only have them on one side, and there are deep pools of darkness in front of many buildings. I felt like a child dared to walk through a graveyard at night. And though it has been many years since I was actually a child, I have always retained that childish fear of the dark, along with other childish qualities, so the walk this morning seemed even more fraught with hazard than it was in reality.

But I can’t live in fear. The truth is that nothing really happened, though it did make it clear that something easily could have. Even had I been armed with any of John’s suggestions, the guy would have been too far away for me to use any of them by the time I got them out of my backpack or pocket, other than the gun. Though I don’t think even Texas considers groping to be a capital offense. I hope that the passage of time will lessen the fear, though I doubt if it will ever completely eradicate the awareness it caused.

I also hope that the flu I came down with yesterday is passing, since I still have way too much work to do and not enough time to do it in. Isn’t it ironic that when you feel really horrible it keeps you from sleeping, and that’s when you need the sleep the most? Here’s hoping that I am both psychologically and physically better real soon.

pixelstats trackingpixel

7 responses so far

7 Responses to “Sick”

  1. Kathleenon 30 Apr 2003 at 7:17 am

    Get the mace/pepper spray and keep it in your hand while you walk. Nothing is going to do you any good in your backpack. And don’t get a gun! Too many get turned on the owner, not worth it.

  2. Ravenon 30 Apr 2003 at 9:32 am

    Don’t let it get you down Suzy… I find that sort of jarring invasion of personal space to be disconcerting too… the other day, I was crossing Carlton Street at Yonge after midnight when I felt something hit my arm… a car sped away as I gathered my wits and realized I’d been pelted by an egg… the act itself wasn’t so damaging as the shattering of the delusion that nothing bad could happen unexpectedly… with a slightly less stable assailant, either of us could now be dead… there’s no protecting yourself from random acts of wierdness so I figure why worry about it… keep as alert as possible and know how to protect yourself if you see it coming but don’t beat yourself up over the uncontrolable…

    I hope that is comforting…

  3. tasha.on 30 Apr 2003 at 10:05 am

    I’m sorry you had to deal with that, and I can definitely understand how disruptive to your personal sense of safety and well-being that is. I feel much the same way when someone even cat calls from a vehicle or tries to make as suggestive comment when passing me on the sidewalk, even though neither really hold any threat of forthcoming danger.

    A small can of mace on a keychain held in your hands is a good idea. I was taught in a women’s self-defense class that when you’re walking alone and it’s dark or you otherwise feel potentially unsafe, carry your keys in your dominant hand with all the keys spread out, poking between your fingers, to be used as a weapon if necessary. I used to do that and hold my police whistle in a position where I could bring my hand right up to my mouth and blow on it, without having to fiddle around for it (the only reason I don’t these days is I rarely find myself walking alone in the dark).

    Good luck getting your nerves back on track.

  4. Tambraon 30 Apr 2003 at 6:58 pm

    I was “stalked” by a crazy lady with road rage last week. And while not quite as scary as your incident since I have my car to protect me, it was unnerving.

    Hang in there, Suzy!

    If you need me to come down there and lay the smack down on some pervert, it can be arranged. LOL =)

  5. Amberon 01 May 2003 at 10:47 am

    I’m not sure if this is a Canadian thing or an American thing but once a year the woman in Calgary hold a rally called “Take Back the Streets” to bring awareness to this sort of fear. I can remember trying to explain it to an ex-boyfriend because he didn’t get where the fear came from.

    Its from incidences like the one you experienced. Although in a way funny (entertaining even?) from a certain perspective, it still chills you inside because you feel powerless and what if?

    *hugs*

  6. Candion 04 May 2003 at 11:07 am

    Ugh, I’m sorry this happened, Suzy. It may not seem like a big deal rationally, but someone did invade your personal space and threatened your safety. I always get weirded out about things like that, too. I can’t say anyone’s ever grabbed my ass, but I have had people lunge and surprise me, whether they meant to or not. I think it’s more about feeling helpless that someone caught you off-guard more than anything else. Now you’re more aware, and I think the fear will subside, and leave in its place a little more cautiousness, which is always a good thing when you live in a city like yours. *hugs*

  7. Kellyon 05 May 2003 at 6:30 am

    There is a fine line between living in fear and being cautious. It’s a balance that we all have to strike and many of us fail, I’m afraid.

    Your confidence has taken a bit of a swipe, but consider this: you have great instincts. You knew something was up … why? Instinct. Something, a few things, maybe, just didn’t feel right. I’m all for the self-defense classes, mace, etc., but the first defense in staying safe is to trust your instincts.

    You’ll get your confidence back. I’m certain of it.