Suzy Says

John finally persuaded me to watch Lord of the Rings on Saturday. I had read The Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings trilogy when I was about 12, and never read it again, though I am an inveterate re-reader. I re-read all of Jane Austen’s novels around once a year, and I can’t remember a Christmas when I didn’t read The Box of Delights (the best children’s book ever) or have it read to me by my father.

So I should have realized that the books weren’t really for me, given that I never wanted to read them again. I have always found adults who create incredibly detailed alternate universes, down to geography, history, and mythology quite unsettling, as are the afficiandos of those books. It’s as if they are too busy living in the fantasy world to live their real life, which is all too short though obviously less controllable than the alternate universe. In the fantasy universe, they probably are remotely attractive and have actual sex lives and so on, unlike the real world. I’m sorry, but the gorgeous rarely invent fantasy worlds, especially incredibly detailed ones, because they don’t have to. Look at the attendees of any Star Trek convention on the planet, and you’ll see what I mean.

And I know women have been bemoaning this since time immemorial, but John totally lied to me about how long it is. It’s like 3 & 1/2 hours long. Had I known this important fact, I would have remained in blissful ignorance, but by the time we switched to the second disc (always a bad sign), we’d already invested more than 2 hours in it. Movies should be less than two hours, just like songs should rarely venture past the 4 minute mark, or I’ll get bored. And boredom is my greatest fear after Death itself.

The first part of the movie was definitely the most fun for me. I lovedlovedloved Bilbo’s house (and I seem to recall that my 12 year old self liked The Hobbit the best of the books, too) – it is gorgeous – and the fireworks were fantastic. But the second half, with those stupid Elves and all those boring battles, just bored the daylights out of me. I hate battle scenes and sex scenes in movies. I just want to them to be over with so I know who wins and the story can move on. Also the slime monsters looked like something out of the first season of Buffy. And there was no-one worth looking at in the cast, with its breathtakingly effete male stars (that Frodo! He’s the Castro poster child. And those pink cheeks!) and overrated and dull girls (the ubiquitous Liv Tyler and equally u. Cate Blanchett: the ubiquitous twins from each side of the Pond).

I will utter the final heresy before changing my name and going to live in obscurity forever (I am completely resigned to being burned in effigy in the alternate universe of the fantasy geeks), having bitterly offended the planet by disliking this movie so much. I didn’t care at all when Gandalf died.

How’s that for unrepentant?