Archive for October 23rd, 2002

Oct 23 2002

Doin’ the Co-worker Coo

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As I mentioned yesterday, children’s books are the closest I ever want to get to actual children. They are too short, have very limited conversational powers, and look terrible in evening clothes. In addition, there is always something coming out of them from somewhere: screaming, crying, pooping, peeing, vomiting. You name the vile bodily fluid, they’ll share it. So imagine my surprise and horror when confronted with full frontal Beastly Baby yesterday.

One of my co-workers was unwise enough to have a baby this summer when she was aged 45 (she still is), and felt we’d like to see the fruit of her labors. I freely admit that I was one of the world’s ugliest babies (even my loving father felt a pang of pity for me at being so ugly. After all, to quote Marilyn, “Don’t you know that a man being rich is like a girl being pretty? You might not fall in love with a girl just because she’s pretty, but goodness, doesn’t it help?”), but this one looked like an old man without the wrinkles, in the manner popularized by Jesus in Renaissance paintings (this one by the great Piero della Francesca, she added educationally). He also has an oversized head of cartoon-like proportions, which flopped about alarmingly on his stalk-like neck like a bobblehead in a hurricane.

When faced with a co-worker’s progeny, you are supposed to say something nice, especially if you are a girl, because you are supposed to love babies and have all them maternal instincts. I’m a really good liar and pretty good at small talk, but this kid floored me. I was reduced to “He has your eyes” and “He seems a lot bigger than his brother was at that age”, which seemed to go over OK. The Chinese have a saying: “There is only one beautiful baby, and every mother has it.” Or thinks she does.

It’s only fair to note that babies seem to be on to me. They are probably much closer to their instincts than we adults, faux or otherwise, and can probably sense in an animal-esque manner when they are unappreciated, since most of them scream when I hold them unless they’re asleep. I have the requisite boobage and then some, but they are purely form and not function and don’t deceive babies for a minute. So it was with this guy. Within seconds of holding him, he started howling and had to be removed, to the relief of all concerned. If you don’t got it, you don’t got it.

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