Suzy Says
Radio Nowhere
The Rufus Report
September 7th, 2001 by suzy in Uncategorized

Cat Update:

Just before I turned out the light last night Cleo had to play. Specifically, she wanted some me jerky, and figured a good chew on my hand would fit the bill. We play like this a lot, ever since she has decided that the small table on my side of the bed is hers as much as mine. She guards it, and then we play, with her snapping and swatting at my hand. If I?m quick and miss all her attacks, she gets pissed-off and determined to get me. Her eyes get huge, and her ears fold back, making her look like an evil ball. When she is in ballhead mode she keeps coming back on the offensive, and sometimes I?ll just hold my hand out, let her give it ?take-that-ya-big-naked-ape? kind of bite, and then we can both go to sleep? and many nights just after this kind of battle, as soon as the light is out she?ll curl up in my armpit as I drift off to sleep.

Things That Still Piss Me Off After All These Years #92:

This is gonna be like carbon-dating me, but when I was in high school, I once blew off some French homework to watch a new episode of Charlie?s Angels. The next day the teacher is checking to see if everyone got their stuff done and when I say I didn?t she says, ?Too much Charlie?s Angels last night, hmmm?? What a burn, right in front of the whole class. The funny thing is though, since then, I?ve learned more of my really bad French from TV and movies than from formal education. Hey, maybe I can pick up some Spanish the same way- what are you laughing at, pendejo?

Women Are Strange #444:

Is it just me, or do you not wonder how any women ever found Fabio cute? I think if his current employer wanted to do a more believable TV ad, they would show Marlon Brando playing back-door bandito and grinning over Fabio?s shoulder as hairboy sighs and says, well, you know.

Random Notes:

Do you think that babies lie back and think, ?What is your fucking problem?? when grown-ups get right in their faces and make baby-talk?

Gutman strikes again. The fat fuck calls from home at 6am this morning, asking if anything is going on (and didn?t show until 6:40). No ?I?m on my way,? or ?I?m running late,? or even an ?I?m at home,? although I can hear his TV blasting in the background. Then he hangs up without saying goodbye, something that Suzy and I both find extremely irritating. What, was this bloated bastard raised in a box with no human contact? The guy can?t even chat for a minute without talking about the dick-licking stock market. He?s like some new breed of humanity, 100% personality free. And that makes him a perfect match for my boss. When talking, my boss takes long annoying pauses in the middle of sentences, and often restarts sentences. Gutman stutters and pauses like he?s having some kind of acid flashbacks. Conversations between the two are enough to make you commit self-defenestration.

Sample Conversation Between Psychoboss & Gutman

Psychoboss: I think we should- we should- I think we- we have to- something we have to do is- what we have to do is-

Gutman: Yu-yu-yu-yu-yu-you think? tha-tha-tha-tha-that- we? uhhhh? we should?

Psychoboss: We have to- have to- we absolutely have to- what we oughtta be doing is- here?s what we have to do-

Gutman: Suh-suh-suh-so? we shu-shu-shu-shu-should? st-st-st-start do-do-do-do-doing?

Psychoboss: Yeah we- because if the- if the- if there ever comes a time that the- if we get caught by the- if we don?t do it and are found out-

Gutman: Uh-huh? uh-huh? uh-uh-uh-huh? I? I? I?

Psychoboss: That?s- it?s- we- you- they- the- our- if- it- it- it-

Gutman: Uh?ih?ah?guh?pah?ur?

?you get the idea.

Final Question:

Has any line from any film ever had the depth or significance of this enlightening exchange, between goofy hero Jack Burton and the ancient, evil David Lo Pan, from ?Big Trouble in Little China??

-Jack: ?I don?t get it.?

-Lo Pan: ?You were not put on this earth to ?get it,? Mr. Burton!?

Also, I can really understand where the 2000 year-old villain is coming from when he yells, ?This really pisses me off to no end!?


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